TAKIN' A BREAK

HMM...SO LIKE I DO WITH MOST THINGS AFTER A WHILE...

I LOST INTEREST IN THE ONLINE DATING THING. SURPRISE SURPRISE. :)

NOTHING WAS HAPPENING. IT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME GUYS. AND I COULD NEVER SHAKE THE SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT 90% OF WHAT I READ AND HEARD FROM GUYS WAS BUNK.

SO...MAYBE I'LL COME BACK TO THIS OPTION. MAYBE NOT.

FAREWELL, DEAR READERS! IF I HAPPEN TO CHANGE MY MIND, OR --WONDER OF WONDERS-- HAPPEN UPON A MAN BY MEANS OF SOME OTHER VENUE...YOU SHALL BE THE FIRST TO HEAR. :)

Guess who spent an hour and a half chatting online with a hot Australian man this evening? Details to follow. GLORIOUS!

That's a new one

Usually when I get flirts from guys, they’re the typical “I’m interested in you”. Sometimes I’ll get a “Wink” or a “You’re cute”, but today…today!...I got a “Kiss”! My goodness. REXXIE ain’t messing around. Too bad I won’t be responding. Sorry Rexxie. The fact that you only live miles away (in Mesa) and that you’re first contact with me was an unabashed cyber-kiss, tells me that you’re only interested in one thing. Namely, kissing. Unfortunately for you, I’m not looking for a quick hook-up—even though I suspect that 75% of the people on these sites are. So go blow your skeezie cyber smooches elsewhere!

I don't get it

More often than not, I choose not to respond to the flirts that I get—because the guys they come from just aren’t for me. I get turned off by their pictures or the things they say, or maybe by something in their profile. I’ll admit—I’m a snap-judgement kind of person. My opinion may change later on—but without a doubt, I definitely make up my mind about things/people right away. Anyway, two days ago, I received a flirt from not one, but two, potentially interesting subjects! Both of them are good looking; both of them have intriguing profiles; meaning that they’re educated, well-spoken, and seem to have some depth. Hot dog! Eyes gleaming, I set my fingers to work, eagerly penning a little note to each.

A day goes by. I hear nothing from either of them. Later that night, I’m on the computer and see that one of them is online. I wait for a few minutes to go by, to see if he’ll open a chat window up with me. **Sidenote: The waiting phase is a little awkward. Have you ever seen “The Hunt for Red October”? There’s this really intense scene, when two enemy subs are under the water, pointed right at each other, with their torpedo doors open, both just waiting to see what the other one will do. Who will fire first? Will one of them fire? Anyway, when I’m online and see that a certain guy is also online, and that we both KNOW that the other is online, it’s like…who will make contact first? Will someone make contact? Do we pretend we’re not looking at the other person or do we make a move? So as I’m considering opening a chat window with this guy, I suddenly see that the other guy has now gotten online. Both handsome, intriguing suitors are right there--available to talk! We’re like submarines, facing each other in the water, torpedo doors open and poised to attack. But who will go first? More time goes by. I wait impatiently. This is silly, I think to myself. Why am I wasting time? So I make the move and open a chat window with both of them (separately of course).

I wait a few minutes for a response….then a few more minutes… neither of them take the bait! But I can see that they’re still online, so they MUST know that I’m trying to chat with them. And this is when I start to go, “Well maybe he’s (either of them) not interested in me.” Now I feel a little foolish that I’m trying to converse. But wait a minute—he’s the one who sent me a flirt. Why is he being a jerk?! And then I start thinking different scenarios: Maybe he sent me the flirt accidentally; maybe he just went through a whole slew of profiles, sending all the girls flirts—casting his net wide, to see what kind of response he’d get—and I responded, but I wasn’t the one he really wanted to hear back from. Then I’m mad. Then I’m disappointed. Then I’m trying to give both of them the benefit of the doubt. Then I’m mad again. So I log off and go to bed, perturbed.

It’s been two days now and I’ve heard nothing from either man. Are they just busy with productive, meaningful lives? Or do they both somehow regret “flirting” with me and mean to ignore me? I don’t like not knowing, and I HATE feeling unsure. So I won’t. I’m done with those two. If either of them contact me, great. If not, fine. And I won’t try to make torpedo contact with them.

Pardon me while I vomit

I just discovered this tab on the dating website that i'd never seen before. It's called "success stories". Hmm. Intriguing. I know that every other week, when i'm feeling motivated about losing weight, I like to look at success stories and before/after pics on sites like The Biggest Loser, and what-not. so i thought...let's check this out. (You want the tip-off that i'm annoyed already? i'm slacking on my grammar. not capitalizing. that's right. irritation equals laziness in grammatical clarity.) So i clicked on the link. Now, I guess some of the testimonials were okay. A few got me feeling hopeful and excited; a few were grossly sappy and cliche; but this one--this one...c'mon.

We met each other online on 2/18/08. For the first two days we talked on the phone for hours. We meet each other in person on the third day. That following Wednesday, I told her I was in love with her and she reciprocated the same back to me. On 2/28/08 I asked her to marry me. She accepted. Its been the most awesome and fantastic experience that has ever happened to both of us. Salt Lake City, UT

Now tell me----HROUUGUHAHHTHHHTHHTTTAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Sorry. That was me hurling again. Tell me that isn't for real. They pay someone to go in and write fake "testimonials". They have to. I don't know why that little blurb ticked me off so much, but man, it did!

Not interested

So two guys tried to start chats with me tonight, but I just wasn’t feeling it. One was DARTHTATER, an obese comedian from West Virginia, who never finished high school and is now 35 years old; and GUNSLINGER, a 30 year old divorcee, with 2 kids, a receding hairline, and horrendous grammar. Lucky me. I tried to humor GUNSLINGER for a bit, but just couldn’t do it. He was asking me questions and I thought, ‘You know what? I don’t want him to know what I do, or where I work’. Bless his little gun-toting heart. Seriously, if you don’t live in Arizona and we don’t have the option to meet, then it’s a waste of my time. I have to MEET a guy to know if he’s in the running. You know? Now…if GUNSLINGER said he was independently wealthy and could fly out to see me any time he wanted, then I might give him a second thought. Well…maybe not. I’m still not sure how I feel about divorced dudes. I suppose I’ll have to consider those on a case by case basis. Anyway, I just wasn’t in the mood to chit-chat with someone I won’t have the chance to meet.

Sidenote: One of my friends is on the same dating site as me and guess what?—She’s seeing a guy she met online! So…with her permission, we’ll have to track her status… :)

I'm baaaack

So I've been out of the online-dating scene for a while, and man--I tell you what--I have been missing out! Here...don't believe me? This is what you've been missing out on too...

I'm jumping back into this scene so that I can bring to you my exciting intrigues. Stay tuned. :)

Sabbatical

Well, as you've probably noticed...I haven't posted anything in quite some time. I'm too busy with multiple jobs at the moment (unfortunately---or, I guess, considering the economy, I should say fortunately). But I shall return again! In due course. With a vengeance. These boys won't know what hit 'em. Again. :)

Till we meet again ladies...

Oh boy

Huh. If ever a picture didn't match the description...
Meet WONDERBOY. I just got a flirt from him saying "I'm interested in you." Oh goodie. Lucky me. Here are some excerpts from his profile:

A little about me...
I am a 25 yr. old RM from the North Carolina Raleigh Mission. (Wait. That's where you're from--or that's where you served your mission?) I have been back for four years now. (Thank you for going the extra mile to point out that you've been home for 4 years. I figured that out when you said you were 25). I just graduated from college back in August with a B.S. in business administration. I am originally from Colorado and would love to move back there someday which will hopefully happen sooner than latter. (TYPO! The first...) I also hope to work for the United States Secret Service starting in a few years. (Really? REALLY? That's what 8-year-old boys say. Not realistic, Skippy. But it sounds impressive in your head doesn't it. Hey, I'd like to be a spy in the CIA someday, and I'm just gonna put it out there right now so that I never have a legitimate cover. And you think that's gonna happen in a few years? Good luck with that). I presently work doing security for concerts an sporting events, as well as a few "special" events in the Washington D.C. area. (Oh my. Aren't we all intrigued? I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what working security at concerts entails ---busting 16-year-olds smoking weed in the port-a-potties and what-not. But "special" events in Washington D.C.?! What on earth could that be? I'm sure he's a special advisor to the Chief of Security for the Capitol or something. I mean, if you put the word "special" in quotes, then obviously you're trying to convey that it's something secret and important. Don't you all just wish you knew what those "special" events were?)

How I feel about the Church...
Love it, would/am lost with out it. ******If you are NOT interested in me PLEASE just say so and I will not contact you****** I try to go to church every Sunday but sometimes work prevents me from doing so. (WHOA! Wait! What? I thought we were just talking about church. Did you just try to subliminal message me?!!)

What I do for fun...
(I'm just going to save you from the boring, clicheness of all his responses to this part.) Except for this: I can be a "rough and tough" guy on the outside but deep down in, I am a HUGE teddy bear. (Whew. Thanks for clarifying. Because looking at you, yah...I see a beast. A hulking 5' 7" creature of a man. A veritable monster, whom you would never believe could have a soft side.)


And now I'm asking myself why I pay a small monthly fee to subject myself to things like this. Wait, I know why. For your enjoyment. :) Anybody want me to hook you up with WONDERBOY? I see great things in his future! Like top secret port-a-potties.

Off the burner

I know! I know. Where have I been? You've been missing my eloquent, witty diatribes aimed at members of the opposite sex--specifically, those on the good ol' LDS Dating website. Will you forgive me if I tell you that I've been ridiculously busy, working two jobs, arranging to move into another apartment, interviewing at any number of places on a weekly basis, caring for a spoiled rotten cat, and trying to maintain my sanity? Naturally, romance went on the back burner. I almost cancelled my membership a few moments ago, but...I just can't do it. This online dating world just gives me way too much good material.

So...I've been out of the loop for a while, but I wanted to let you know that I'm about to hop back in there. I'm going to scroll through the new members and send out my little feelers. See what comes back. Stay tuned... :)

DECEIT!!!

I haven't been a very diligent cyber-dater lately. I apologize. So this week I logged on to see who'd been checking me out and if I had any messages, and while I was online, I got a chat request from someone. So I shrugged and opened the chat window. It turned out to be a guy that I'd never seen before named...we'll call him Max. So Max and I chatted for a while, and we automatically seemed to click, having the same sense of humor (which is HUGE for me). While we're talking, I opened up his profile so I could get a better feel for who I was talking to, and of course see what he looks like. Max only has one picture posted, but it's cute! Very appealing to me, because he looks big and burly and huggable. Perfect. He lives in another state, but apparently he has family here, so its very likely that we could meet someday.

I had to cut the conversation short, but before I did, he asked for my regular email address, and gave me his. Now, in giving me his email address, Max also revealed his last name, and being that I am my mother's daughter...I knew I immediatley had to Google him. Aren't you proud, Mom? :) I found Max's myspace page. And on that page I found Max's picture. Max's current picture. And...my smile faded. It looks like Maxie boy posted an old, more flattering picture of himself on the dating website (shocker) and a current, realistic picture on his myspace.

I'm disappointed, okay? The dude on myspace is NOT attractive to me. In fact, I do believe I made an audible noise, something close to, "Ew". Yes. True story. So I'm turned off to Max now because he's doing some false advertising. I'm not just gonna pull the plug like that, and maybe the myspace picture is the old one, but I don't really think that's the case.

Shallow? I don't think so. You know what you're attracted to and what you're not attracted to. Here. Here are the two pictures I'm talking about. This is who I thought I was talking to:

















Cute! Right? And this is who I was really talking to:


















Tell me you're not with me.

More glorious mug shots!

Snippets

So since my date last week, I've kind of taken a break from the website. I decided to call it quits with Clark the Texter (no chemistry) and take a little breather. Don't worry. I'll hop back in there this week and whip up some action with some lucky boy or other. But in the meantime, for your enjoyment, I thought I'd give you a little taste of some of the stuff these men write in their profiles...


“I like comedies. I like laughing. I enjoy good food. I also enjoy dives. I just saw the movie UP. I don't think I can handle anybody else's kids.”
--AWAKEINSEATTLE

"Im quite eloquent and rather lazy."
--POODLER

"A connoisseur of humanity, I savor the individual charisma of the good in the many unique differences of character and personality in people. My personality is... Thought it'd be that easy? Then you truly have been lulled by the sultry sirens of the modern, give me everything now, world in which we live. You may be more successful in depicting the Sistine Chapel or Beethoven’s 5th in 1250 chars. Per chance, can you describe a gourmet meal in the like and do it justice. No, my personality portrait you must paint in the broad and narrow strokes of interaction! Adventuresses, do you dare? If you are not so blinded by the destination that you lose touch to the beautiful nuances of the journey, I invite you to come discover an undiscovered country! You may just make a friend. You may just...”
--ZENITH

"Alright sisters, I'm just going to put this out there. The experts have said that the secret to a happy marriage is for women to choose a partner that is less atractive than themselves. I hearby volunteer my services to all you...."
--BLACKCLOUD

"need a women who will accept me as i am now, and understand im interested in marriage, the future will get better if we follow christ together and lets make a big family"
--CHRISLAWMAN

**And my personal favorite...

"any women out there not sucked in by the disease of Twilight? if so let me know"
--SCARYBONES

Online Dating Undercover: Part 20

DATE #2

So this past weekend I had my second face-to-face date with one of these online blokes. It was okay. Not horrible, not stellar. Just okay. It was with Clark the texter, who turned out to be really nice and who had a great sense of humor. Which I had already ascertained from our various communications pre-date. But just like with my first date (a few weeks ago with DEPUTYDOG), I discovered that a little of his personal appearance stats had been fudged. i.e. Clark's profile claims he's 6' tall, but in my 2 inch wedges, we were almost at eye-level. And I'm 5' 4". Lame.

I mean, I amended my profile a while back and made sure that my pictures are a combination of like head shots and body shots, so that these guys know what they're getting into--and that home girl's got some curvy girth (that's a good term, huh?).

Anyway, for me the deciding factor was that I had absolutely no physical attraction to him. Which was the same with the last guy too, except that Clark had loads more personality. So...I'm done with him. We can still chat a little if he wants, but I'm ready to keep on moving.

Yeehaw!

Part 19 Follow-Up

So...it's been a few days since I sent RICKYBOBBY13 my friendly--okay, my blistering email.

Sadly...there was no reply. Am I really that surprised? No. But I'll tell ya, 25% of me really wanted to get a scathing email back from a guy telling me, in no uncertain terms, that he really is filthy rich and that he's had such-and-such horrible experiences in the past, and that his reasons for writing that one line are completely justified, like its any of my business anyway, and that the other information written about himself is indeed factual, and Who do I think I am to attack him in such a manner!

I was kind of hoping for a little battle of wits and words! Darn. I can tell that RICKYBOBBY13 hasn't logged onto the website since the day after I sent my message. Conclusion: all of my suspicions were correct!!--and he abandoned this profile and created a new one, where I can't find him. Hahahahaha!

Oh, sigh...It's the little things that make life fun! "Meanie...sneakie...Jump at you! Bite at you!" (That's a quote from Cinderella, in reference to the pompous, wicked, fat cat, Lucifer).

Online Dating Undercover: Part 19

Oh my goodness. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I confuse myself. There's this dude named RICKYBOBBY13 who keeps looking at my profile. He has no photos, yet the limited information provided is encouraging: it says he's 6' 4", got his Doctorate, works for the airlines, is temple worthy, etc. However, the only line written in his whole profile is this: "I'm filthy rich and looking for a woman to spend my money."

And something about that just rubbed me the wrong way. Right? NO guy is just looking for a women to spend his money. Lies!! I mean, what's he trying to pull? So...being the sweet-minded pacifist that I am, I sent him the following message:

"I don't know if, by writing that, you're actually looking for a mindless, trophy wife who only wants to shop all day? Or if you're setting a trap for a blood-sucking gold digger, so that later you can really stick it to her when you drive up to meet her the first time in the Ice Cream truck that doubles as your work place and home.

I mean, do women actually respond to that line about being filthy rich? You know that if they do contact you, that's the only thing they have go to on, so it must be the driving factor in their intentions. But where you don't write anything else, or put any pictures, the only thing one can surmise about RICKYBOBBY13 is that he's either a pathological liar, or that he really is filthy rich, but is so tired of the dating/relationship scene, that he's willing to say that one line and just have the women come to him so that he can sort them out.

You see this? I'm perplexed. I'm generally really good at reading people, and while I get the feeling that you're sarcastic and blunt, I think you must have written this just as an experiment. Kind of a joke. To see what kinds of responses you'd get. Yes?

So...I'm dying of curiosity. What do women say to that?!!

Wait. I just had a break through. Your whole profile is bogus, huh?! You don't have a doctorate. You're not 6' 4. Etc. Well if all you wanted was to create an anonymous profile so that you could check out the meat market, why did you blatantly make stuff up on your profile? Most guys at least just leave it blank, and then you know that they've only made the bare-bones profile so that they can scan the waters.

You caught me in a rare mood this morning RICKYBOBBY13. And I wouldn't have written to you at all except that I can see that you've looked at me about 8 times (which is a little disconcerting for us females..I must admit...to have a guy with no pictures and very little written about himself just checking you out repeatedly). I usually block those guys. So... you'll probably be blocked unless I hear back from you with some kind of brilliant, mind-numbing rebuttal within the next 24 hours. The End."

He'll probably be cross-eyed by the end of this, thinking I'm the most neurotic woman he's ever encountered, OR he will have lost interest after the first sentence and just hit "delete". It will be interesting if he responds. But I doubt he will. I think home boy is probably making some minor adjustments to his profile as we speak--probably changing his screen name all together so that I can't see his profile anymore. Muahaha. Now you're starting to see how my mind works...

(Okay, Laura...go take your drugs now...)

Online Dating Undercover: Part 18

Just in case you were wondering if I ended up going out with "Clark" this past weekend...I did not. Clark went out of town to go camping with...wait for it... his sons. Yes. He's divorced and has children. I don't know how I feel about that. Just meaning that, if he and I ever do get serious, do I want to deal with an ex-wife? Wait. Why did I even phrase that as a question? I DON'T want to deal with an ex-wife. The children are a no brainer. I love kids and have no problem with them.

And then there's the whole issue of 'Why did you get divorced in the first place?' They were married in the temple so, hello....we've got a world of ETERNAL ramifications to worry about here. But I'm jumping the gun. Clark and I haven't even met yet. I do believe a date is pending for this weekend. Once I meet him in person I'll know if I want to pursue anything further. And if I do...then the gloves will come off and we'll have a comin'-to-jesus meetin' about all kinds of things. Trust me. :)

Hmm...

So, Clark (name changed for privacy reasons-look how professional I am) has been texting me NONSTOP since he got my phone number. Clark's the one who shaved his head for me. Well, at my insistence--I mean, suggestion! We have yet to meet in person. I mean, sheesh, we just "met" online this past Sunday.

Anyway, one of the things I say on my profile is that I like men to be spontaneous. That's a trait of my dad's that I really love, and I want a guy who is the same in that way. So yesterday Clarky boy texts me out of the blue and says, "I really want to take a roadtrip to California (not with me, I hope). I'm just spontaneous like that." Wah wah.

Is he REALLY spontaneous? Or is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?

If he IS just saying what he thinks I want to hear, should I think that's cute, or should I be annoyed that he's a liar and not being his real self?

Hmph. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

If he wants to be spontaneous he can call me instead of texting!

Sorry married ladies...they're ALLLL mine!

Online Dating Undercover: Part 17

So just when you're really put off by a pervert (named, ironically, Moroni44-Ha!), and thinking of canceling your membership, you meet someone completely opposite, who makes you decide that maybe there are a few decent ones out there. A guy sent me a message (not a flirt! points for him!) on Sunday, and then we've chatted a few times since. Each time, we end up talking for a good long while, 1 hr+ at least. So he's already mentioned wanting to take me on a date. Good for him. He should want to take me out. Does he know who I am?! And get this, he even wants to do something unique. We're gonna go shooting! No, not at pigeons or old people--I assume at a shooting range. Then again, who knows...

Here's the fun part. He's balding. Bless his heart (only 35 years old), so I sent him a little message that said the following: "So, you know, you should really just take the plunge and shave your head completely. Bald guys are hot." Okay, I said this for completely selfish reasons. Of course. I like bald guys. He's already half-way there, and he already has a goatee, so...he just needs to go a little bit further...and then he'll be perfect. :) Anyway, I won. He told me he's shaving it tonight. Muahaha!

He even asked if I want to help. No, silly. I want to see you AFTER. Half bald does nothing for me. I mean, you don't want to see my hairy legs, or help shave them, you want to see them all nice and shiny afterwards. And...with all my trust and aggression issues, doesn't he known how supremely foolish it is to let me close to a man's head with a blade? Come now.

Anyway, if my calculations are correct, I'll probably have a date this weekend. Stay tuned lovely ladies...