Onling Dating Undercover: Part 8

“Chicken”

Okay, so it’s been a week since I decided to take the initiative and start sending flirts and messages to dudes. I sat down on the floor and scrolled through about 500 profiles (yes, it took a while and I consumed buckets of Mountain Dew) and just started pushing buttons. I only contacted about 2 dozen guys. Still, they should count themselves lucky.

A few of them only got a lame flirt. Typically I used “I like your profile”. I can’t bring myself to use “You’re cute” or “I like you” yet because I feel like I might as well just fold up a little note and pass it to them on the playground. You know what—maybe I should draw some boxes on the page too and say, “Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe…” You all did it, you know you did.

For the most part though, I wrote a little message to the guys that peaked my interest, drawing from some info in their profile. Nothing deep or revelatory, just something un-generic.

But…I’m noticing that there isn’t a lot of give and take in this online dating world. These guys are such chickens! Hardly any of them venture to say something original, they all just use flirts. Flirts are like the easiest way out ever! It’s such a lame cop out! What—you send me a flirt that says “I’m Interested In You” (this one drives me crazy. WHAT ABOUT ME interests you?), and they think that’s like a big step, and that by sending that one little phrase, the ball is now in your court. I don’t think so.

I think I’ve maybe come across four guys that I had back-and-forth conversations with. However, as soon as they bring up the below questions, I’m bored and done with them… “What kind of guy are you looking for? How long have you been on the site?” -and- “Why are you single?” Could there be a more offensive question than that? Um…because I’m old; I’m fat; I’m allergic to relationships; I’m from another planet and have 14 noses… Asking you why you’re still single is like asking an interviewee what their worst quality is. Gag.

Anyway…you’d like to hear some of these conversations, wouldn’t you? Well I shan’t disappoint. Oh, you’re also going to get more screen names…AND...pictures!!! oh yes. Don’t worry, I’ll do it just like they do in Glamour Magazine’s “Do’s and Don’ts” section—I’ll put big black bars over the guys’ eyes and then they’ll be completely unidentifiable. Oh, what fun!