Online Dating Undercover: Part 16

Is it wrong if I seek out men in Chicago and Anchorage simply so that they'll fly me up and I can visit my sisters?

Don't answer that.

Online Dating Undercover: Part 15

"For the love"

I’d like to discuss an issue I’m coming up against with this online dating deal. Let’s call it: disproportionate dissemination of affection. Come on, we all dealt with it in high school. How come the boy I like doesn’t like me back?—and the doofus I detest is obsessed with me? Fast forward 10+ years into the era of online dating. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT! The guys who are cute and look interesting don’t message you, and the geeks that you’re completely uninterested in, do! Why is it that the weird ones having no qualms about being direct? Why can’t the hot ones be that way?

Here’s one thing that happens that just makes me groan. I go into my profile to see who’s viewed me. Now when the list of viewers appears, you see a tiny, thumbnail of the guy’s picture and about the first 3 lines of his profile (to lure you in, you know)…so sometimes I’ll click on one because his picture looks either ridiculously hot or ridiculously…well, just ridiculous (as you’ve seen with some of the ones I’ve already posted). And suddenly I’ll see a message in my inbox from one of the mulleted misfits saying, “Hey, I saw that you looked at my profile…” ugh. No, I wasn’t looking at you because I’m interested; I was looking because I wanted to put your picture on public display to be mocked. I know. I’m so heartless. Whatever. You gotta be in the online dating business. Disproportionate dissemination of affection.

More Screen Names!

THECHARMER (of snakes?)
BADDOGGY (so...should I bring a sanitary disposal bag?)
TASER58 (58 men died in prison after making eye contact with “Taser”)
THEGORILLA (I hate to tell you this, but I can’t think of one single adjective that reflects Gorillas in a positive—let alone attractive--light)
IMTHEONE (You’re the one, what? In the middle? In the argyle pantsuit? What?)
MOONDOGGIE (For real?! Well wrap me in seaweed and serenade me while you do CPR)
DARTHLARRY (Star Wars references…highly inadvisable)
WHYAREMYEYESBROWN (I don’t know, and coincidentally, I don’t care)
BELLTRON (Wasn’t he the bad guy in Toy Story?)
UPLUSME (equals….)
33VI (I think it’s some kind of reference to his bicep measurements)
TURBO87 (I’m sure he’s referring to his motorcycle or something, but what if it’s because he has massively bad gas?)
THEONE4U (minus points for creativity and minus points for accuracy)
DODGE2003 (he must really love that car)
ROUGHEDGES (aww…I’d think it was cute if it wasn’t so lame)
XERO (I’m assuming his computer hacker name?)
DRIVER8 (does he have 8 children to drive to daycare?)
SUTHERNGUY (did you mean to spell it wrong?)
FAN2SEA (no fantasy of mine, buddy)
DEREKKK (Why? Why? Why? Would you end it in KKK?)
PICKY (well what a coincidence…)


p.s. A guy just sent me a message and used the word “gregarious”. I think I’m in love.

First Date...

So... I had my first in-person date. Surprisingly, it wasn't a total fiasco! Trust me, none could be more shocked than I. We met at Chili's (Maddie, was that you peaking through the window?) and were there for about 2 1/2 hours. The conversation flowed veritably naturally--thanks to my exceptional skills in the art of gab. There was quite a bit of prompting on my part, but he didn't break down and cry or anything.

As the evening went on, I think more and more of my personality came out. He seemed shocked a few times. Like when I told him that I choose, with scrupulous detail, who I want to be friends with, and that I literally got rid of my Facebook & Myspace accounts because people from my past were finding me, who I'd lost contact with ON PURPOSE. It's true. We weren't friends back then and we aren't friends now. Anyway! He was very logical, where I am very fanciful.

Case in point: On my mission, me and one of my comps would ask each other a "deep question" every night (oh yes, Marianne, I pulled this on him)...and here is how the questions/answers went:

The question: If you could have a super power, what would it be?
ME: The ability to become invisible--basically so that I can spy on people
HIM: Limitless knowledge

The question: If you could either fly or walk on water, which would you choose?
ME: Fly!
HIM: Well, it would depend on where I lived. See, if I lived in California, I'd want to walk on water. Since I live in Arizona where we're landlocked, I'd want to fly.

The question: Do you have any regrets in life? Or, if you could go back in time and change any one decision that you made, would you?

ME: Uh...yah. I can think of about 15.

HIM: No (and he was completely serious)

Anyway. That's just a sampling. He was older and balder and "heftier" than his pictures...so that was a little off-putting; and he kind of had an old man, high voice, and one of his eyes actually twitched.......but bless his heart, he was nice, and I genuinely laughed a few times.

My dreamboat? Heck--to the No. But for my first date in about 3-4 years...it could've been much worse. :)

The goodness just keeps coming

Online Dating Undercover: Part 14

"Idiots"

So I went into my profile and kind of rewrote it. The very first line, the very first words that men see written by me are, "I hate flirts. If you send me a flirt, I will delete it without even looking at it." I couldn't be much more clear than that. Right? Right?

Wrong, apparently. These jokers still insist on sending them. Lame. That tells me that they're strictly looking at pictures and obviously not reading my profile. Into the trash, with you! On the up side, I did have one guy send me a message and say that he liked that I said that, because he also thinks that the flirting system is retarded and will never foster dialogue. So he and I have written back and forth a few times. Why not? He actually has both good grammar and an advanced vocabulary! Bless him.

Online Dating Undercover: Part 13 (Cont'd)

I have a date for this Friday. 7:00 pm at Chili's, if anyone wants to come spy. It is with the man mentioned below, the one who fueled my little rant. We were online at the same time yesterday, so he opened a chat window and we started talking. More like interviewing. It's like I can only get him to talk if I ask a question, and then I get these one sentence answers. Just talk about your day! The sky! The reason you have 5 dogs... anyway, when I could tell that he wasn't going to bring up his open-ended invitation, I (of course) had to take matters into my own hands:

Me: So did you get my email?
Him: Yes I did. Last night at about 10.
Me: And...?
*pause...pause...pause...
Him: And I'm sorry I didn't follow up with you about dinner.
*pause...pause...pause...
Me: So follow up right now (duh! get on with it!)
Him: Okay. So what night works for you?

And on and on. I chose the place and he chose the time and we're going to meet. Wah, wah. That's my bored, unimpressed sound. Oh well. For the sake of this blog, I shall go. For the sake of investigatory journalism, I shall subject myself to a free meal.

(Oh, and I've had 3 responses to messages I've sent to guys. Good for them! Bravo, boys! And then I wrote a little something back. I believe its called "conversing".)