Well, as you've probably noticed...I haven't posted anything in quite some time. I'm too busy with multiple jobs at the moment (unfortunately---or, I guess, considering the economy, I should say fortunately). But I shall return again! In due course. With a vengeance. These boys won't know what hit 'em. Again. :)
Till we meet again ladies...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Oh boy
Huh. If ever a picture didn't match the description...
Meet WONDERBOY. I just got a flirt from him saying "I'm interested in you." Oh goodie. Lucky me. Here are some excerpts from his profile:
A little about me...
I am a 25 yr. old RM from the North Carolina Raleigh Mission. (Wait. That's where you're from--or that's where you served your mission?) I have been back for four years now. (Thank you for going the extra mile to point out that you've been home for 4 years. I figured that out when you said you were 25). I just graduated from college back in August with a B.S. in business administration. I am originally from Colorado and would love to move back there someday which will hopefully happen sooner than latter. (TYPO! The first...) I also hope to work for the United States Secret Service starting in a few years. (Really? REALLY? That's what 8-year-old boys say. Not realistic, Skippy. But it sounds impressive in your head doesn't it. Hey, I'd like to be a spy in the CIA someday, and I'm just gonna put it out there right now so that I never have a legitimate cover. And you think that's gonna happen in a few years? Good luck with that). I presently work doing security for concerts an sporting events, as well as a few "special" events in the Washington D.C. area. (Oh my. Aren't we all intrigued? I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what working security at concerts entails ---busting 16-year-olds smoking weed in the port-a-potties and what-not. But "special" events in Washington D.C.?! What on earth could that be? I'm sure he's a special advisor to the Chief of Security for the Capitol or something. I mean, if you put the word "special" in quotes, then obviously you're trying to convey that it's something secret and important. Don't you all just wish you knew what those "special" events were?)
How I feel about the Church...
Love it, would/am lost with out it. ******If you are NOT interested in me PLEASE just say so and I will not contact you****** I try to go to church every Sunday but sometimes work prevents me from doing so. (WHOA! Wait! What? I thought we were just talking about church. Did you just try to subliminal message me?!!)
What I do for fun...
(I'm just going to save you from the boring, clicheness of all his responses to this part.) Except for this: I can be a "rough and tough" guy on the outside but deep down in, I am a HUGE teddy bear. (Whew. Thanks for clarifying. Because looking at you, yah...I see a beast. A hulking 5' 7" creature of a man. A veritable monster, whom you would never believe could have a soft side.)
And now I'm asking myself why I pay a small monthly fee to subject myself to things like this. Wait, I know why. For your enjoyment. :) Anybody want me to hook you up with WONDERBOY? I see great things in his future! Like top secret port-a-potties.
Meet WONDERBOY. I just got a flirt from him saying "I'm interested in you." Oh goodie. Lucky me. Here are some excerpts from his profile:
A little about me...
I am a 25 yr. old RM from the North Carolina Raleigh Mission. (Wait. That's where you're from--or that's where you served your mission?) I have been back for four years now. (Thank you for going the extra mile to point out that you've been home for 4 years. I figured that out when you said you were 25). I just graduated from college back in August with a B.S. in business administration. I am originally from Colorado and would love to move back there someday which will hopefully happen sooner than latter. (TYPO! The first...) I also hope to work for the United States Secret Service starting in a few years. (Really? REALLY? That's what 8-year-old boys say. Not realistic, Skippy. But it sounds impressive in your head doesn't it. Hey, I'd like to be a spy in the CIA someday, and I'm just gonna put it out there right now so that I never have a legitimate cover. And you think that's gonna happen in a few years? Good luck with that). I presently work doing security for concerts an sporting events, as well as a few "special" events in the Washington D.C. area. (Oh my. Aren't we all intrigued? I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what working security at concerts entails ---busting 16-year-olds smoking weed in the port-a-potties and what-not. But "special" events in Washington D.C.?! What on earth could that be? I'm sure he's a special advisor to the Chief of Security for the Capitol or something. I mean, if you put the word "special" in quotes, then obviously you're trying to convey that it's something secret and important. Don't you all just wish you knew what those "special" events were?)
How I feel about the Church...
Love it, would/am lost with out it. ******If you are NOT interested in me PLEASE just say so and I will not contact you****** I try to go to church every Sunday but sometimes work prevents me from doing so. (WHOA! Wait! What? I thought we were just talking about church. Did you just try to subliminal message me?!!)
What I do for fun...
(I'm just going to save you from the boring, clicheness of all his responses to this part.) Except for this: I can be a "rough and tough" guy on the outside but deep down in, I am a HUGE teddy bear. (Whew. Thanks for clarifying. Because looking at you, yah...I see a beast. A hulking 5' 7" creature of a man. A veritable monster, whom you would never believe could have a soft side.)
And now I'm asking myself why I pay a small monthly fee to subject myself to things like this. Wait, I know why. For your enjoyment. :) Anybody want me to hook you up with WONDERBOY? I see great things in his future! Like top secret port-a-potties.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Off the burner
I know! I know. Where have I been? You've been missing my eloquent, witty diatribes aimed at members of the opposite sex--specifically, those on the good ol' LDS Dating website. Will you forgive me if I tell you that I've been ridiculously busy, working two jobs, arranging to move into another apartment, interviewing at any number of places on a weekly basis, caring for a spoiled rotten cat, and trying to maintain my sanity? Naturally, romance went on the back burner. I almost cancelled my membership a few moments ago, but...I just can't do it. This online dating world just gives me way too much good material.
So...I've been out of the loop for a while, but I wanted to let you know that I'm about to hop back in there. I'm going to scroll through the new members and send out my little feelers. See what comes back. Stay tuned... :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
DECEIT!!!
I haven't been a very diligent cyber-dater lately. I apologize. So this week I logged on to see who'd been checking me out and if I had any messages, and while I was online, I got a chat request from someone. So I shrugged and opened the chat window. It turned out to be a guy that I'd never seen before named...we'll call him Max. So Max and I chatted for a while, and we automatically seemed to click, having the same sense of humor (which is HUGE for me). While we're talking, I opened up his profile so I could get a better feel for who I was talking to, and of course see what he looks like. Max only has one picture posted, but it's cute! Very appealing to me, because he looks big and burly and huggable. Perfect. He lives in another state, but apparently he has family here, so its very likely that we could meet someday.
I had to cut the conversation short, but before I did, he asked for my regular email address, and gave me his. Now, in giving me his email address, Max also revealed his last name, and being that I am my mother's daughter...I knew I immediatley had to Google him. Aren't you proud, Mom? :) I found Max's myspace page. And on that page I found Max's picture. Max's current picture. And...my smile faded. It looks like Maxie boy posted an old, more flattering picture of himself on the dating website (shocker) and a current, realistic picture on his myspace.
I'm disappointed, okay? The dude on myspace is NOT attractive to me. In fact, I do believe I made an audible noise, something close to, "Ew". Yes. True story. So I'm turned off to Max now because he's doing some false advertising. I'm not just gonna pull the plug like that, and maybe the myspace picture is the old one, but I don't really think that's the case.
Shallow? I don't think so. You know what you're attracted to and what you're not attracted to. Here. Here are the two pictures I'm talking about. This is who I thought I was talking to:
Cute! Right? And this is who I was really talking to:
Tell me you're not with me.
I had to cut the conversation short, but before I did, he asked for my regular email address, and gave me his. Now, in giving me his email address, Max also revealed his last name, and being that I am my mother's daughter...I knew I immediatley had to Google him. Aren't you proud, Mom? :) I found Max's myspace page. And on that page I found Max's picture. Max's current picture. And...my smile faded. It looks like Maxie boy posted an old, more flattering picture of himself on the dating website (shocker) and a current, realistic picture on his myspace.
I'm disappointed, okay? The dude on myspace is NOT attractive to me. In fact, I do believe I made an audible noise, something close to, "Ew". Yes. True story. So I'm turned off to Max now because he's doing some false advertising. I'm not just gonna pull the plug like that, and maybe the myspace picture is the old one, but I don't really think that's the case.
Shallow? I don't think so. You know what you're attracted to and what you're not attracted to. Here. Here are the two pictures I'm talking about. This is who I thought I was talking to:
Cute! Right? And this is who I was really talking to:
Tell me you're not with me.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Snippets
So since my date last week, I've kind of taken a break from the website. I decided to call it quits with Clark the Texter (no chemistry) and take a little breather. Don't worry. I'll hop back in there this week and whip up some action with some lucky boy or other. But in the meantime, for your enjoyment, I thought I'd give you a little taste of some of the stuff these men write in their profiles...
“I like comedies. I like laughing. I enjoy good food. I also enjoy dives. I just saw the movie UP. I don't think I can handle anybody else's kids.”
--AWAKEINSEATTLE
"Im quite eloquent and rather lazy."
--POODLER
"A connoisseur of humanity, I savor the individual charisma of the good in the many unique differences of character and personality in people. My personality is... Thought it'd be that easy? Then you truly have been lulled by the sultry sirens of the modern, give me everything now, world in which we live. You may be more successful in depicting the Sistine Chapel or Beethoven’s 5th in 1250 chars. Per chance, can you describe a gourmet meal in the like and do it justice. No, my personality portrait you must paint in the broad and narrow strokes of interaction! Adventuresses, do you dare? If you are not so blinded by the destination that you lose touch to the beautiful nuances of the journey, I invite you to come discover an undiscovered country! You may just make a friend. You may just...”
--ZENITH
"Alright sisters, I'm just going to put this out there. The experts have said that the secret to a happy marriage is for women to choose a partner that is less atractive than themselves. I hearby volunteer my services to all you...."
--BLACKCLOUD
"need a women who will accept me as i am now, and understand im interested in marriage, the future will get better if we follow christ together and lets make a big family"
--CHRISLAWMAN
**And my personal favorite...
"any women out there not sucked in by the disease of Twilight? if so let me know"
--SCARYBONES
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 20
DATE #2
So this past weekend I had my second face-to-face date with one of these online blokes. It was okay. Not horrible, not stellar. Just okay. It was with Clark the texter, who turned out to be really nice and who had a great sense of humor. Which I had already ascertained from our various communications pre-date. But just like with my first date (a few weeks ago with DEPUTYDOG), I discovered that a little of his personal appearance stats had been fudged. i.e. Clark's profile claims he's 6' tall, but in my 2 inch wedges, we were almost at eye-level. And I'm 5' 4". Lame.
I mean, I amended my profile a while back and made sure that my pictures are a combination of like head shots and body shots, so that these guys know what they're getting into--and that home girl's got some curvy girth (that's a good term, huh?).
Anyway, for me the deciding factor was that I had absolutely no physical attraction to him. Which was the same with the last guy too, except that Clark had loads more personality. So...I'm done with him. We can still chat a little if he wants, but I'm ready to keep on moving.
Yeehaw!
So this past weekend I had my second face-to-face date with one of these online blokes. It was okay. Not horrible, not stellar. Just okay. It was with Clark the texter, who turned out to be really nice and who had a great sense of humor. Which I had already ascertained from our various communications pre-date. But just like with my first date (a few weeks ago with DEPUTYDOG), I discovered that a little of his personal appearance stats had been fudged. i.e. Clark's profile claims he's 6' tall, but in my 2 inch wedges, we were almost at eye-level. And I'm 5' 4". Lame.
I mean, I amended my profile a while back and made sure that my pictures are a combination of like head shots and body shots, so that these guys know what they're getting into--and that home girl's got some curvy girth (that's a good term, huh?).
Anyway, for me the deciding factor was that I had absolutely no physical attraction to him. Which was the same with the last guy too, except that Clark had loads more personality. So...I'm done with him. We can still chat a little if he wants, but I'm ready to keep on moving.
Yeehaw!
Part 19 Follow-Up
So...it's been a few days since I sent RICKYBOBBY13 my friendly--okay, my blistering email.
Sadly...there was no reply. Am I really that surprised? No. But I'll tell ya, 25% of me really wanted to get a scathing email back from a guy telling me, in no uncertain terms, that he really is filthy rich and that he's had such-and-such horrible experiences in the past, and that his reasons for writing that one line are completely justified, like its any of my business anyway, and that the other information written about himself is indeed factual, and Who do I think I am to attack him in such a manner!
I was kind of hoping for a little battle of wits and words! Darn. I can tell that RICKYBOBBY13 hasn't logged onto the website since the day after I sent my message. Conclusion: all of my suspicions were correct!!--and he abandoned this profile and created a new one, where I can't find him. Hahahahaha!
Oh, sigh...It's the little things that make life fun! "Meanie...sneakie...Jump at you! Bite at you!" (That's a quote from Cinderella, in reference to the pompous, wicked, fat cat, Lucifer).
Sadly...there was no reply. Am I really that surprised? No. But I'll tell ya, 25% of me really wanted to get a scathing email back from a guy telling me, in no uncertain terms, that he really is filthy rich and that he's had such-and-such horrible experiences in the past, and that his reasons for writing that one line are completely justified, like its any of my business anyway, and that the other information written about himself is indeed factual, and Who do I think I am to attack him in such a manner!
I was kind of hoping for a little battle of wits and words! Darn. I can tell that RICKYBOBBY13 hasn't logged onto the website since the day after I sent my message. Conclusion: all of my suspicions were correct!!--and he abandoned this profile and created a new one, where I can't find him. Hahahahaha!
Oh, sigh...It's the little things that make life fun! "Meanie...sneakie...Jump at you! Bite at you!" (That's a quote from Cinderella, in reference to the pompous, wicked, fat cat, Lucifer).
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 19
Oh my goodness. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I confuse myself. There's this dude named RICKYBOBBY13 who keeps looking at my profile. He has no photos, yet the limited information provided is encouraging: it says he's 6' 4", got his Doctorate, works for the airlines, is temple worthy, etc. However, the only line written in his whole profile is this: "I'm filthy rich and looking for a woman to spend my money."
And something about that just rubbed me the wrong way. Right? NO guy is just looking for a women to spend his money. Lies!! I mean, what's he trying to pull? So...being the sweet-minded pacifist that I am, I sent him the following message:
"I don't know if, by writing that, you're actually looking for a mindless, trophy wife who only wants to shop all day? Or if you're setting a trap for a blood-sucking gold digger, so that later you can really stick it to her when you drive up to meet her the first time in the Ice Cream truck that doubles as your work place and home.
I mean, do women actually respond to that line about being filthy rich? You know that if they do contact you, that's the only thing they have go to on, so it must be the driving factor in their intentions. But where you don't write anything else, or put any pictures, the only thing one can surmise about RICKYBOBBY13 is that he's either a pathological liar, or that he really is filthy rich, but is so tired of the dating/relationship scene, that he's willing to say that one line and just have the women come to him so that he can sort them out.
You see this? I'm perplexed. I'm generally really good at reading people, and while I get the feeling that you're sarcastic and blunt, I think you must have written this just as an experiment. Kind of a joke. To see what kinds of responses you'd get. Yes?
So...I'm dying of curiosity. What do women say to that?!!
Wait. I just had a break through. Your whole profile is bogus, huh?! You don't have a doctorate. You're not 6' 4. Etc. Well if all you wanted was to create an anonymous profile so that you could check out the meat market, why did you blatantly make stuff up on your profile? Most guys at least just leave it blank, and then you know that they've only made the bare-bones profile so that they can scan the waters.
You caught me in a rare mood this morning RICKYBOBBY13. And I wouldn't have written to you at all except that I can see that you've looked at me about 8 times (which is a little disconcerting for us females..I must admit...to have a guy with no pictures and very little written about himself just checking you out repeatedly). I usually block those guys. So... you'll probably be blocked unless I hear back from you with some kind of brilliant, mind-numbing rebuttal within the next 24 hours. The End."
He'll probably be cross-eyed by the end of this, thinking I'm the most neurotic woman he's ever encountered, OR he will have lost interest after the first sentence and just hit "delete". It will be interesting if he responds. But I doubt he will. I think home boy is probably making some minor adjustments to his profile as we speak--probably changing his screen name all together so that I can't see his profile anymore. Muahaha. Now you're starting to see how my mind works...
(Okay, Laura...go take your drugs now...)
And something about that just rubbed me the wrong way. Right? NO guy is just looking for a women to spend his money. Lies!! I mean, what's he trying to pull? So...being the sweet-minded pacifist that I am, I sent him the following message:
"I don't know if, by writing that, you're actually looking for a mindless, trophy wife who only wants to shop all day? Or if you're setting a trap for a blood-sucking gold digger, so that later you can really stick it to her when you drive up to meet her the first time in the Ice Cream truck that doubles as your work place and home.
I mean, do women actually respond to that line about being filthy rich? You know that if they do contact you, that's the only thing they have go to on, so it must be the driving factor in their intentions. But where you don't write anything else, or put any pictures, the only thing one can surmise about RICKYBOBBY13 is that he's either a pathological liar, or that he really is filthy rich, but is so tired of the dating/relationship scene, that he's willing to say that one line and just have the women come to him so that he can sort them out.
You see this? I'm perplexed. I'm generally really good at reading people, and while I get the feeling that you're sarcastic and blunt, I think you must have written this just as an experiment. Kind of a joke. To see what kinds of responses you'd get. Yes?
So...I'm dying of curiosity. What do women say to that?!!
Wait. I just had a break through. Your whole profile is bogus, huh?! You don't have a doctorate. You're not 6' 4. Etc. Well if all you wanted was to create an anonymous profile so that you could check out the meat market, why did you blatantly make stuff up on your profile? Most guys at least just leave it blank, and then you know that they've only made the bare-bones profile so that they can scan the waters.
You caught me in a rare mood this morning RICKYBOBBY13. And I wouldn't have written to you at all except that I can see that you've looked at me about 8 times (which is a little disconcerting for us females..I must admit...to have a guy with no pictures and very little written about himself just checking you out repeatedly). I usually block those guys. So... you'll probably be blocked unless I hear back from you with some kind of brilliant, mind-numbing rebuttal within the next 24 hours. The End."
He'll probably be cross-eyed by the end of this, thinking I'm the most neurotic woman he's ever encountered, OR he will have lost interest after the first sentence and just hit "delete". It will be interesting if he responds. But I doubt he will. I think home boy is probably making some minor adjustments to his profile as we speak--probably changing his screen name all together so that I can't see his profile anymore. Muahaha. Now you're starting to see how my mind works...
(Okay, Laura...go take your drugs now...)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 18
Just in case you were wondering if I ended up going out with "Clark" this past weekend...I did not. Clark went out of town to go camping with...wait for it... his sons. Yes. He's divorced and has children. I don't know how I feel about that. Just meaning that, if he and I ever do get serious, do I want to deal with an ex-wife? Wait. Why did I even phrase that as a question? I DON'T want to deal with an ex-wife. The children are a no brainer. I love kids and have no problem with them.
And then there's the whole issue of 'Why did you get divorced in the first place?' They were married in the temple so, hello....we've got a world of ETERNAL ramifications to worry about here. But I'm jumping the gun. Clark and I haven't even met yet. I do believe a date is pending for this weekend. Once I meet him in person I'll know if I want to pursue anything further. And if I do...then the gloves will come off and we'll have a comin'-to-jesus meetin' about all kinds of things. Trust me. :)
And then there's the whole issue of 'Why did you get divorced in the first place?' They were married in the temple so, hello....we've got a world of ETERNAL ramifications to worry about here. But I'm jumping the gun. Clark and I haven't even met yet. I do believe a date is pending for this weekend. Once I meet him in person I'll know if I want to pursue anything further. And if I do...then the gloves will come off and we'll have a comin'-to-jesus meetin' about all kinds of things. Trust me. :)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Hmm...
So, Clark (name changed for privacy reasons-look how professional I am) has been texting me NONSTOP since he got my phone number. Clark's the one who shaved his head for me. Well, at my insistence--I mean, suggestion! We have yet to meet in person. I mean, sheesh, we just "met" online this past Sunday.
Anyway, one of the things I say on my profile is that I like men to be spontaneous. That's a trait of my dad's that I really love, and I want a guy who is the same in that way. So yesterday Clarky boy texts me out of the blue and says, "I really want to take a roadtrip to California (not with me, I hope). I'm just spontaneous like that." Wah wah.
Is he REALLY spontaneous? Or is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?
If he IS just saying what he thinks I want to hear, should I think that's cute, or should I be annoyed that he's a liar and not being his real self?
Hmph. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
If he wants to be spontaneous he can call me instead of texting!
Anyway, one of the things I say on my profile is that I like men to be spontaneous. That's a trait of my dad's that I really love, and I want a guy who is the same in that way. So yesterday Clarky boy texts me out of the blue and says, "I really want to take a roadtrip to California (not with me, I hope). I'm just spontaneous like that." Wah wah.
Is he REALLY spontaneous? Or is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?
If he IS just saying what he thinks I want to hear, should I think that's cute, or should I be annoyed that he's a liar and not being his real self?
Hmph. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
If he wants to be spontaneous he can call me instead of texting!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 17
So just when you're really put off by a pervert (named, ironically, Moroni44-Ha!), and thinking of canceling your membership, you meet someone completely opposite, who makes you decide that maybe there are a few decent ones out there. A guy sent me a message (not a flirt! points for him!) on Sunday, and then we've chatted a few times since. Each time, we end up talking for a good long while, 1 hr+ at least. So he's already mentioned wanting to take me on a date. Good for him. He should want to take me out. Does he know who I am?! And get this, he even wants to do something unique. We're gonna go shooting! No, not at pigeons or old people--I assume at a shooting range. Then again, who knows...Here's the fun part. He's balding. Bless his heart (only 35 years old), so I sent him a little message that said the following: "So, you know, you should really just take the plunge and shave your head completely. Bald guys are hot." Okay, I said this for completely selfish reasons. Of course. I like bald guys. He's already half-way there, and he already has a goatee, so...he just needs to go a little bit further...and then he'll be perfect. :) Anyway, I won. He told me he's shaving it tonight. Muahaha!
He even asked if I want to help. No, silly. I want to see you AFTER. Half bald does nothing for me. I mean, you don't want to see my hairy legs, or help shave them, you want to see them all nice and shiny afterwards. And...with all my trust and aggression issues, doesn't he known how supremely foolish it is to let me close to a man's head with a blade? Come now.
Anyway, if my calculations are correct, I'll probably have a date this weekend. Stay tuned lovely ladies...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 16
Is it wrong if I seek out men in Chicago and Anchorage simply so that they'll fly me up and I can visit my sisters?
Don't answer that.
Don't answer that.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 15
"For the love"
I’d like to discuss an issue I’m coming up against with this online dating deal. Let’s call it: disproportionate dissemination of affection. Come on, we all dealt with it in high school. How come the boy I like doesn’t like me back?—and the doofus I detest is obsessed with me? Fast forward 10+ years into the era of online dating. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT! The guys who are cute and look interesting don’t message you, and the geeks that you’re completely uninterested in, do! Why is it that the weird ones having no qualms about being direct? Why can’t the hot ones be that way?
Here’s one thing that happens that just makes me groan. I go into my profile to see who’s viewed me. Now when the list of viewers appears, you see a tiny, thumbnail of the guy’s picture and about the first 3 lines of his profile (to lure you in, you know)…so sometimes I’ll click on one because his picture looks either ridiculously hot or ridiculously…well, just ridiculous (as you’ve seen with some of the ones I’ve already posted). And suddenly I’ll see a message in my inbox from one of the mulleted misfits saying, “Hey, I saw that you looked at my profile…” ugh. No, I wasn’t looking at you because I’m interested; I was looking because I wanted to put your picture on public display to be mocked. I know. I’m so heartless. Whatever. You gotta be in the online dating business. Disproportionate dissemination of affection.
I’d like to discuss an issue I’m coming up against with this online dating deal. Let’s call it: disproportionate dissemination of affection. Come on, we all dealt with it in high school. How come the boy I like doesn’t like me back?—and the doofus I detest is obsessed with me? Fast forward 10+ years into the era of online dating. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT! The guys who are cute and look interesting don’t message you, and the geeks that you’re completely uninterested in, do! Why is it that the weird ones having no qualms about being direct? Why can’t the hot ones be that way?
Here’s one thing that happens that just makes me groan. I go into my profile to see who’s viewed me. Now when the list of viewers appears, you see a tiny, thumbnail of the guy’s picture and about the first 3 lines of his profile (to lure you in, you know)…so sometimes I’ll click on one because his picture looks either ridiculously hot or ridiculously…well, just ridiculous (as you’ve seen with some of the ones I’ve already posted). And suddenly I’ll see a message in my inbox from one of the mulleted misfits saying, “Hey, I saw that you looked at my profile…” ugh. No, I wasn’t looking at you because I’m interested; I was looking because I wanted to put your picture on public display to be mocked. I know. I’m so heartless. Whatever. You gotta be in the online dating business. Disproportionate dissemination of affection.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
More Screen Names!
THECHARMER (of snakes?)
BADDOGGY (so...should I bring a sanitary disposal bag?)
TASER58 (58 men died in prison after making eye contact with “Taser”)
THEGORILLA (I hate to tell you this, but I can’t think of one single adjective that reflects Gorillas in a positive—let alone attractive--light)
IMTHEONE (You’re the one, what? In the middle? In the argyle pantsuit? What?)
MOONDOGGIE (For real?! Well wrap me in seaweed and serenade me while you do CPR)
DARTHLARRY (Star Wars references…highly inadvisable)
WHYAREMYEYESBROWN (I don’t know, and coincidentally, I don’t care)
BELLTRON (Wasn’t he the bad guy in Toy Story?)
UPLUSME (equals….)
33VI (I think it’s some kind of reference to his bicep measurements)
TURBO87 (I’m sure he’s referring to his motorcycle or something, but what if it’s because he has massively bad gas?)
THEONE4U (minus points for creativity and minus points for accuracy)
DODGE2003 (he must really love that car)
ROUGHEDGES (aww…I’d think it was cute if it wasn’t so lame)
XERO (I’m assuming his computer hacker name?)
DRIVER8 (does he have 8 children to drive to daycare?)
SUTHERNGUY (did you mean to spell it wrong?)
FAN2SEA (no fantasy of mine, buddy)
DEREKKK (Why? Why? Why? Would you end it in KKK?)
PICKY (well what a coincidence…)
p.s. A guy just sent me a message and used the word “gregarious”. I think I’m in love.
BADDOGGY (so...should I bring a sanitary disposal bag?)
TASER58 (58 men died in prison after making eye contact with “Taser”)
THEGORILLA (I hate to tell you this, but I can’t think of one single adjective that reflects Gorillas in a positive—let alone attractive--light)
IMTHEONE (You’re the one, what? In the middle? In the argyle pantsuit? What?)
MOONDOGGIE (For real?! Well wrap me in seaweed and serenade me while you do CPR)
DARTHLARRY (Star Wars references…highly inadvisable)
WHYAREMYEYESBROWN (I don’t know, and coincidentally, I don’t care)
BELLTRON (Wasn’t he the bad guy in Toy Story?)
UPLUSME (equals….)
33VI (I think it’s some kind of reference to his bicep measurements)
TURBO87 (I’m sure he’s referring to his motorcycle or something, but what if it’s because he has massively bad gas?)
THEONE4U (minus points for creativity and minus points for accuracy)
DODGE2003 (he must really love that car)
ROUGHEDGES (aww…I’d think it was cute if it wasn’t so lame)
XERO (I’m assuming his computer hacker name?)
DRIVER8 (does he have 8 children to drive to daycare?)
SUTHERNGUY (did you mean to spell it wrong?)
FAN2SEA (no fantasy of mine, buddy)
DEREKKK (Why? Why? Why? Would you end it in KKK?)
PICKY (well what a coincidence…)
p.s. A guy just sent me a message and used the word “gregarious”. I think I’m in love.
Monday, August 17, 2009
First Date...
So... I had my first in-person date. Surprisingly, it wasn't a total fiasco! Trust me, none could be more shocked than I. We met at Chili's (Maddie, was that you peaking through the window?) and were there for about 2 1/2 hours. The conversation flowed veritably naturally--thanks to my exceptional skills in the art of gab. There was quite a bit of prompting on my part, but he didn't break down and cry or anything.
As the evening went on, I think more and more of my personality came out. He seemed shocked a few times. Like when I told him that I choose, with scrupulous detail, who I want to be friends with, and that I literally got rid of my Facebook & Myspace accounts because people from my past were finding me, who I'd lost contact with ON PURPOSE. It's true. We weren't friends back then and we aren't friends now. Anyway! He was very logical, where I am very fanciful.
Case in point: On my mission, me and one of my comps would ask each other a "deep question" every night (oh yes, Marianne, I pulled this on him)...and here is how the questions/answers went:
The question: If you could have a super power, what would it be?
ME: The ability to become invisible--basically so that I can spy on people
HIM: Limitless knowledge
The question: If you could either fly or walk on water, which would you choose?
ME: Fly!
HIM: Well, it would depend on where I lived. See, if I lived in California, I'd want to walk on water. Since I live in Arizona where we're landlocked, I'd want to fly.
As the evening went on, I think more and more of my personality came out. He seemed shocked a few times. Like when I told him that I choose, with scrupulous detail, who I want to be friends with, and that I literally got rid of my Facebook & Myspace accounts because people from my past were finding me, who I'd lost contact with ON PURPOSE. It's true. We weren't friends back then and we aren't friends now. Anyway! He was very logical, where I am very fanciful.
Case in point: On my mission, me and one of my comps would ask each other a "deep question" every night (oh yes, Marianne, I pulled this on him)...and here is how the questions/answers went:
The question: If you could have a super power, what would it be?
ME: The ability to become invisible--basically so that I can spy on people
HIM: Limitless knowledge
The question: If you could either fly or walk on water, which would you choose?
ME: Fly!
HIM: Well, it would depend on where I lived. See, if I lived in California, I'd want to walk on water. Since I live in Arizona where we're landlocked, I'd want to fly.
The question: Do you have any regrets in life? Or, if you could go back in time and change any one decision that you made, would you?
ME: Uh...yah. I can think of about 15.
HIM: No (and he was completely serious)
Anyway. That's just a sampling. He was older and balder and "heftier" than his pictures...so that was a little off-putting; and he kind of had an old man, high voice, and one of his eyes actually twitched.......but bless his heart, he was nice, and I genuinely laughed a few times.
My dreamboat? Heck--to the No. But for my first date in about 3-4 years...it could've been much worse. :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 14
"Idiots"
So I went into my profile and kind of rewrote it. The very first line, the very first words that men see written by me are, "I hate flirts. If you send me a flirt, I will delete it without even looking at it." I couldn't be much more clear than that. Right? Right?
Wrong, apparently. These jokers still insist on sending them. Lame. That tells me that they're strictly looking at pictures and obviously not reading my profile. Into the trash, with you! On the up side, I did have one guy send me a message and say that he liked that I said that, because he also thinks that the flirting system is retarded and will never foster dialogue. So he and I have written back and forth a few times. Why not? He actually has both good grammar and an advanced vocabulary! Bless him.
So I went into my profile and kind of rewrote it. The very first line, the very first words that men see written by me are, "I hate flirts. If you send me a flirt, I will delete it without even looking at it." I couldn't be much more clear than that. Right? Right?
Wrong, apparently. These jokers still insist on sending them. Lame. That tells me that they're strictly looking at pictures and obviously not reading my profile. Into the trash, with you! On the up side, I did have one guy send me a message and say that he liked that I said that, because he also thinks that the flirting system is retarded and will never foster dialogue. So he and I have written back and forth a few times. Why not? He actually has both good grammar and an advanced vocabulary! Bless him.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 13 (Cont'd)
I have a date for this Friday. 7:00 pm at Chili's, if anyone wants to come spy. It is with the man mentioned below, the one who fueled my little rant. We were online at the same time yesterday, so he opened a chat window and we started talking. More like interviewing. It's like I can only get him to talk if I ask a question, and then I get these one sentence answers. Just talk about your day! The sky! The reason you have 5 dogs... anyway, when I could tell that he wasn't going to bring up his open-ended invitation, I (of course) had to take matters into my own hands:
Me: So did you get my email?
Him: Yes I did. Last night at about 10.
Me: And...?
*pause...pause...pause...
Him: And I'm sorry I didn't follow up with you about dinner.
*pause...pause...pause...
Me: So follow up right now (duh! get on with it!)
Him: Okay. So what night works for you?
And on and on. I chose the place and he chose the time and we're going to meet. Wah, wah. That's my bored, unimpressed sound. Oh well. For the sake of this blog, I shall go. For the sake of investigatory journalism, I shall subject myself to a free meal.
(Oh, and I've had 3 responses to messages I've sent to guys. Good for them! Bravo, boys! And then I wrote a little something back. I believe its called "conversing".)
Me: So did you get my email?
Him: Yes I did. Last night at about 10.
Me: And...?
*pause...pause...pause...
Him: And I'm sorry I didn't follow up with you about dinner.
*pause...pause...pause...
Me: So follow up right now (duh! get on with it!)
Him: Okay. So what night works for you?
And on and on. I chose the place and he chose the time and we're going to meet. Wah, wah. That's my bored, unimpressed sound. Oh well. For the sake of this blog, I shall go. For the sake of investigatory journalism, I shall subject myself to a free meal.
(Oh, and I've had 3 responses to messages I've sent to guys. Good for them! Bravo, boys! And then I wrote a little something back. I believe its called "conversing".)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 13
"ANNOYED"(my most passionate work yet...)
Okay, let me tell you something. And men of the world--listen up. I am not one to be dismissed/brushed off/or trifled with. Do you know who I am?! I am Laura! Hear me roar! And then see me tackle you! I am getting just a tad bit ticked off at the fellas online.
If I go out of my way to send you a little message (which it will be --a bona fide message, maybe just short, but NOT A FLIRT), and I send you one of these, you darn well better respond. Even if you don't like what you see, or you're intimidated, or whatever---it's only common courtesy to respond. If a dude who's 65 with granddaughters my age sends me a message (not a flirt) telling me he's interested in me, I at least take the time to kindly tell him that he's not on my radar. But I don't just throw his message in the recycle bin. He took the time to actually write a message. He should be rewarded for that! See? See what a generous, kindly heart I have? Call me the patron saint of pathetic men, and the avenger of jerky idiots.
Case in point: A man that I've kind of chatted with consistently since I got on here asked me out last week. At the very end of our conversation, as I was saying Adios, he throws in, "Would you like to have dinner sometime?" I said, "Sure! Let me give you my information," and he said he'd call. So....it's been a week now. 7 days. Um...hello? You don't just throw out an open ended invitation like that and then disappear.
So I just sent him this message (with the subject line: "Ahem")
"Hey there. So...when you asked me if I'd like to have dinner...did you mean TOGETHER? because yes, i'd like to have dinner. in fact, I have dinner every night. :) i assume you were asking me out? nerd! where'd you go?" I refrained myself from writing "chicken" at the end of it. I was nice and playful, but hope I got my point across.
Not one to be trifled with boys! Good thing I'm more interested in exploiting this cyber dating world than being on here for the sole purpose of finding my mate (which, who knows?--may happen), but I hope the girls who are really truly investing themselves in this aren't getting the same treatment. What am I talking about? Of course they are. Tut tut. -10 points for the "do you wanna have dinner" boy.
There. I got it out of my system. Stay tuned...
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 12
Would you like to hear something amazing?! My whole dubious view on the efficacy of these dating sites has been challenged. I just talked to an old friend who was recently married. Low-and-behold, she met her man online! A good LDS guy, in another state, and it all worked out. Huh. So maybe these things do work...
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 11
"A Delicious Opportunity"Woow! I almost got busted. I was in the middle of writing some stuff down for this blog when a guy opened a chat window with me. This is only the first part of the conversation, but you’ll see what I mean. (And again…good grammar…correct spelling…is that so much to ask for?!!)
provo007: hi
provo007: cute pics
Me : thanks!
provo007: what are you up to tongiht?
Me : writing. working on my blog
provo007: oh fun
provo007: just your personal blog?
Me : no, I have one that's written for lds women...kind of funny anecdotes given from my very cynical, sarcastic point of view :)
Me : what are YOU up to?
provo007: watching the news...lol **why is that funny?**
provo007: ok..whats the link to yoru blog..would be fun to see
Me : oh no! women only.
provo007: lol..ok
Muahaha!
Ooooh, this is exciting—I’m IM’ing 2 guys right now! This should be fun. One is a guy that I’ve talked with before and the other one is a marine in Utah. Oh my gosh, I’m getting so tired of seeing “LOL”. Wait! There’s a 3rd guy! Hahahahahaha! This’ll be good. Oh man, I’m totally going to mess this up and send the wrong message to one of them.
Oh! What fun! An hour later, I’ve finished my chatting sessions with all 3 men, after having come up with some erroneous excuse for logging off. I don’t know. After a while I just get bored. This one guy only gives one sentence answers, to everything, but…he asked me out. So: two weeks in and I’ve got my first date. What a delicious opportunity to gather more dirt for my undercover shenanigans!
provo007: hi
provo007: cute pics
Me : thanks!
provo007: what are you up to tongiht?
Me : writing. working on my blog
provo007: oh fun
provo007: just your personal blog?
Me : no, I have one that's written for lds women...kind of funny anecdotes given from my very cynical, sarcastic point of view :)
Me : what are YOU up to?
provo007: watching the news...lol **why is that funny?**
provo007: ok..whats the link to yoru blog..would be fun to see
Me : oh no! women only.
provo007: lol..ok
Muahaha!
Ooooh, this is exciting—I’m IM’ing 2 guys right now! This should be fun. One is a guy that I’ve talked with before and the other one is a marine in Utah. Oh my gosh, I’m getting so tired of seeing “LOL”. Wait! There’s a 3rd guy! Hahahahahaha! This’ll be good. Oh man, I’m totally going to mess this up and send the wrong message to one of them.
Oh! What fun! An hour later, I’ve finished my chatting sessions with all 3 men, after having come up with some erroneous excuse for logging off. I don’t know. After a while I just get bored. This one guy only gives one sentence answers, to everything, but…he asked me out. So: two weeks in and I’ve got my first date. What a delicious opportunity to gather more dirt for my undercover shenanigans!
Online Dating Undercover: Part 10
"Laziness"
I figured something out; I’ve been perplexed by the fact that so many of these dudes write next to nothing on their profiles. The site gives you 3 little questions that are meant to prompt you into writing something about yourself:
1) A Little About Me
2) How I Feel About The Church
3) What I Do For Fun
But instead of answering these short questions, most of these guys just put, “Send me a message and I’ll tell you”…as if that’s supposed to inspire me to want to delve into the deepest, most poignant parts of their soul. What on earth is my incentive to send you a message? Who do you think you are? Really. And then lots of them don’t post a picture. So what I figured out was this, and it should’ve occurred to me sooner—those are the dudes who just want to browse. You have to create a profile in order to view all the chics on the site, so they just do the bare minimum in the sign-up process.
Sneaky. Anyway…I don’t like it when these lazy guys send me messages or keep looking at me. You can see how many times a certain person looks at you. A little weird. And it’s also a pain, because what if there’s a hottie, whose pictures I want to keep looking at?! I don’t want him knowing that I look at his profile every other day. Because, after all, I am supposed to be aloof and uninterested.
Something else: It makes me a little leery when guys who don’t have a picture or any information keep looking at my profile. They might as well just put the screen name “Creep”, because I’m afraid that’s all I perceive them as. Anyway, I’m online right now and can see that some of the creeps who are always looking at me are currently logged into the site. Shudder. When one of them tries to contact me, I log off immediately. Typically, I only log on to my profile long enough to see how many people have viewed me or to read any messages, and then I’m outta there! I don’t want to risk giving some guy the opportunity to open up a chat window with me.
AHH! Speaking of which…somebody’s trying to open a chat window. Queue the Jaws theme song. Oh man. Who is it? Should I open it? Eek! I’m looking at the guys that are online right now and who have viewed me lately, and if it’s one of them…not interested. Hmm...what to do?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 9
More Screen Names
METROHOMEBOY (is it just me, or does that sound less than masculine?)
WHYYES (I feel like in his picture this guy should be lounging by the pool, holding out a glass of champagne)
LOVE2DANCE (but are you any good?)
MRSOPHISTICATED (maybe that’s actually his last name)
EO45 (is that his robot serial number?)
SOULMATE4U (a little presumptuous, don’t you think?)
WARHAMMER (I wonder if his cape matches his tights)
AQUACLEAN (well at least he’ll have minty fresh breath)
45AVAILABLE (yah, but you don’t need to advertise it)
PSEUDOHUNK (at least he knows the word ‘pseudo’)
20MORONI (if he looks anything like Moroni it’s a done deal)
PURPOSEOFLIFE (I’m listening…give me your take on it…)
FUNLDSBACHELOR (-2 pts for creativity)
POORBOY (seriously?)
SOULTOSQUEEZE (just lame)
METROHOMEBOY (is it just me, or does that sound less than masculine?)
WHYYES (I feel like in his picture this guy should be lounging by the pool, holding out a glass of champagne)
LOVE2DANCE (but are you any good?)
MRSOPHISTICATED (maybe that’s actually his last name)
EO45 (is that his robot serial number?)
SOULMATE4U (a little presumptuous, don’t you think?)
WARHAMMER (I wonder if his cape matches his tights)
AQUACLEAN (well at least he’ll have minty fresh breath)
45AVAILABLE (yah, but you don’t need to advertise it)
PSEUDOHUNK (at least he knows the word ‘pseudo’)
20MORONI (if he looks anything like Moroni it’s a done deal)
PURPOSEOFLIFE (I’m listening…give me your take on it…)
FUNLDSBACHELOR (-2 pts for creativity)
POORBOY (seriously?)
SOULTOSQUEEZE (just lame)
Monday, August 3, 2009
Cheese!
So...I'd like to present a random sampling of some of the guys on this dating site. If you've never been on one of these sites, you probably have no idea of the range of specimens you get. These men I'm showing have all either viewed my profile or sent me little messages. Now, if you think I'm being mean in showing their faces and writing my typical sarcastic commentary....tough. Leave this blog now! They're the ones who put their pictures and stats out there for all the world to see. For the stout-hearted ones among you, however...enjoy what I've been seeing for the past two weeks.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Onling Dating Undercover: Part 8
“Chicken”
Okay, so it’s been a week since I decided to take the initiative and start sending flirts and messages to dudes. I sat down on the floor and scrolled through about 500 profiles (yes, it took a while and I consumed buckets of Mountain Dew) and just started pushing buttons. I only contacted about 2 dozen guys. Still, they should count themselves lucky.
A few of them only got a lame flirt. Typically I used “I like your profile”. I can’t bring myself to use “You’re cute” or “I like you” yet because I feel like I might as well just fold up a little note and pass it to them on the playground. You know what—maybe I should draw some boxes on the page too and say, “Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe…” You all did it, you know you did.
For the most part though, I wrote a little message to the guys that peaked my interest, drawing from some info in their profile. Nothing deep or revelatory, just something un-generic.
But…I’m noticing that there isn’t a lot of give and take in this online dating world. These guys are such chickens! Hardly any of them venture to say something original, they all just use flirts. Flirts are like the easiest way out ever! It’s such a lame cop out! What—you send me a flirt that says “I’m Interested In You” (this one drives me crazy. WHAT ABOUT ME interests you?), and they think that’s like a big step, and that by sending that one little phrase, the ball is now in your court. I don’t think so.
I think I’ve maybe come across four guys that I had back-and-forth conversations with. However, as soon as they bring up the below questions, I’m bored and done with them… “What kind of guy are you looking for? How long have you been on the site?” -and- “Why are you single?” Could there be a more offensive question than that? Um…because I’m old; I’m fat; I’m allergic to relationships; I’m from another planet and have 14 noses… Asking you why you’re still single is like asking an interviewee what their worst quality is. Gag.
Anyway…you’d like to hear some of these conversations, wouldn’t you? Well I shan’t disappoint. Oh, you’re also going to get more screen names…AND...pictures!!! oh yes. Don’t worry, I’ll do it just like they do in Glamour Magazine’s “Do’s and Don’ts” section—I’ll put big black bars over the guys’ eyes and then they’ll be completely unidentifiable. Oh, what fun!
Okay, so it’s been a week since I decided to take the initiative and start sending flirts and messages to dudes. I sat down on the floor and scrolled through about 500 profiles (yes, it took a while and I consumed buckets of Mountain Dew) and just started pushing buttons. I only contacted about 2 dozen guys. Still, they should count themselves lucky.
A few of them only got a lame flirt. Typically I used “I like your profile”. I can’t bring myself to use “You’re cute” or “I like you” yet because I feel like I might as well just fold up a little note and pass it to them on the playground. You know what—maybe I should draw some boxes on the page too and say, “Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe…” You all did it, you know you did.
For the most part though, I wrote a little message to the guys that peaked my interest, drawing from some info in their profile. Nothing deep or revelatory, just something un-generic.
But…I’m noticing that there isn’t a lot of give and take in this online dating world. These guys are such chickens! Hardly any of them venture to say something original, they all just use flirts. Flirts are like the easiest way out ever! It’s such a lame cop out! What—you send me a flirt that says “I’m Interested In You” (this one drives me crazy. WHAT ABOUT ME interests you?), and they think that’s like a big step, and that by sending that one little phrase, the ball is now in your court. I don’t think so.
I think I’ve maybe come across four guys that I had back-and-forth conversations with. However, as soon as they bring up the below questions, I’m bored and done with them… “What kind of guy are you looking for? How long have you been on the site?” -and- “Why are you single?” Could there be a more offensive question than that? Um…because I’m old; I’m fat; I’m allergic to relationships; I’m from another planet and have 14 noses… Asking you why you’re still single is like asking an interviewee what their worst quality is. Gag.
Anyway…you’d like to hear some of these conversations, wouldn’t you? Well I shan’t disappoint. Oh, you’re also going to get more screen names…AND...pictures!!! oh yes. Don’t worry, I’ll do it just like they do in Glamour Magazine’s “Do’s and Don’ts” section—I’ll put big black bars over the guys’ eyes and then they’ll be completely unidentifiable. Oh, what fun!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Online Dating Undercover: Part 7
"Pursuit"
At 8:00 am this Monday, the 27th of July, 2009 I shall commence in the scanning process of the plethora of men on the website. I shall seek those profiles that peak my interest even to a small degree and initiate contact! Oh yes, I will push the little button adorned with the heart-shaped smiley face and send anonymous, meaningless communiqués to the men that tickle my fancy. I’ve received quite a few “flirts” from guys, to which I just kind of go, “Okay. Now what?”
I understand it though—the concept. You look at someone’s profile, you decide you want to get to know them, but you don’t know how to start a conversation. If only there were a convenient little button that would allow you to send a little message that’s impersonal, but communicates that you’re interested. Oh, wait! There is one.
Here’s the thing though, once a person’s sent you a flirt that says something like “I’m interested in you,”…then what? (I seem to ask that a lot, don’t I?) I’ve mostly been ignoring the flirts sent to me. Oh, you’re interested in me? You should be. I’m an interesting person. So…would you care to say anything else? You gotta give me a little more than that, boys, to get even the slightest bit of interest tingling. Anyway! Let’s get on with it. I’m going to send some “flirts” and see what happens. Stay tuned ladies...
At 8:00 am this Monday, the 27th of July, 2009 I shall commence in the scanning process of the plethora of men on the website. I shall seek those profiles that peak my interest even to a small degree and initiate contact! Oh yes, I will push the little button adorned with the heart-shaped smiley face and send anonymous, meaningless communiqués to the men that tickle my fancy. I’ve received quite a few “flirts” from guys, to which I just kind of go, “Okay. Now what?”
I understand it though—the concept. You look at someone’s profile, you decide you want to get to know them, but you don’t know how to start a conversation. If only there were a convenient little button that would allow you to send a little message that’s impersonal, but communicates that you’re interested. Oh, wait! There is one.
Here’s the thing though, once a person’s sent you a flirt that says something like “I’m interested in you,”…then what? (I seem to ask that a lot, don’t I?) I’ve mostly been ignoring the flirts sent to me. Oh, you’re interested in me? You should be. I’m an interesting person. So…would you care to say anything else? You gotta give me a little more than that, boys, to get even the slightest bit of interest tingling. Anyway! Let’s get on with it. I’m going to send some “flirts” and see what happens. Stay tuned ladies...
Online Dating Undercover: Part 6
"Scuzzies"
Here’s an example of the kind of creeps you have to look out for. BLONDEADAM sent me a message with the subject heading, “You look down to earth” and then the body of the message said this:
“and you look like alot of fun too. I don't go to church every sunday, but I still think its important. I love walks on the beach, hiking, and going to the gym with my woman, seeing movies, and going to restaurants with silverware, and I look for a physical relationship, lots of kissing, cuddling, and what married people are supposed to do, what single people are supposed to wait till they are married before doing...alan in sanjose California”
Really? Did you just write that to a complete stranger, and especially on an LDS website? (And don’t all restaurants have silverware?)
Here’s an example of the kind of creeps you have to look out for. BLONDEADAM sent me a message with the subject heading, “You look down to earth” and then the body of the message said this:
“and you look like alot of fun too. I don't go to church every sunday, but I still think its important. I love walks on the beach, hiking, and going to the gym with my woman, seeing movies, and going to restaurants with silverware, and I look for a physical relationship, lots of kissing, cuddling, and what married people are supposed to do, what single people are supposed to wait till they are married before doing...alan in sanjose California”
Really? Did you just write that to a complete stranger, and especially on an LDS website? (And don’t all restaurants have silverware?)
Online Dating Undercover: Part 5
"Conversations"
I don’t like the fact that anyone on the dating site can see that you’re online and immediately engage you in instant messaging. They, on their side, click a button, and without your consent, a chat window is opened up on your side. Here are a few of those spontaneous, unwarranted conversations that started before I could even end them. P.S. this first guy’s English skills will make you shudder. And this is the actual conversation...verbatim.
*ANAHEIMFUN
anaheimFun: hi sexy
anaheimFun: how are you
anaheimFun: are you single
anaheimFun: how life in az
anaheimFun: your are a cuttie
Me: dang, that was a lot of questions in a short amount of time
anaheimFun: lol
Me: and you are...?
anaheimFun: yes i very single, work at disneyland and my name is johnny anaheimFun: lol
Me: Hi Johnny. :) you work at D-land?! sweet! what do you do? anaheimFun: never marred yet
anaheimFun: i work in restaunt
Me: which one?
anaheimFun: all over the parks
anaheimFun: todayall ne orlean
anaheimFun: like bluebayu
Me: fun!
anaheimFun: cafe freshmarket
anaheimFun: yes do you like disneyland
Me: holy tar, yes. the indiana jones ride is my favorite
anaheimFun: lol you should come hook up with me
anaheimFun: lol
Me: wow. well aren't you just direct
anaheimFun: lol
Me: well listen sparky, i was just about to log off **a lie of course**
anaheimFun: you could go alot and any girl who marry me would get to go free anaheimFun: do u text
Me: oh my gosh, i'm leaving now. good bye!
anaheimFun: 801-887-6680 **not the actual number**
anaheimFun: i just kidding
anaheimFun: dont leave
Me: gotta run. things to do. bi!
anaheimFun: text me
anaheimFun: please
Me: now you sound desperate. get back to work johnny. bi!
And literally I had to log out within the next 2 seconds so that he wouldn’t keep writing. He’s only 24, but still……24. Wow.
And there is such a thing as overusing the "LOL" abbreviation. Or maybe this kid really does just LOL (that's 'laugh out loud' for you text novices" all the time. Bless his heart...
I don’t like the fact that anyone on the dating site can see that you’re online and immediately engage you in instant messaging. They, on their side, click a button, and without your consent, a chat window is opened up on your side. Here are a few of those spontaneous, unwarranted conversations that started before I could even end them. P.S. this first guy’s English skills will make you shudder. And this is the actual conversation...verbatim.
*ANAHEIMFUN
anaheimFun: hi sexy
anaheimFun: how are you
anaheimFun: are you single
anaheimFun: how life in az
anaheimFun: your are a cuttie
Me: dang, that was a lot of questions in a short amount of time
anaheimFun: lol
Me: and you are...?
anaheimFun: yes i very single, work at disneyland and my name is johnny anaheimFun: lol
Me: Hi Johnny. :) you work at D-land?! sweet! what do you do? anaheimFun: never marred yet
anaheimFun: i work in restaunt
Me: which one?
anaheimFun: all over the parks
anaheimFun: todayall ne orlean
anaheimFun: like bluebayu
Me: fun!
anaheimFun: cafe freshmarket
anaheimFun: yes do you like disneyland
Me: holy tar, yes. the indiana jones ride is my favorite
anaheimFun: lol you should come hook up with me
anaheimFun: lol
Me: wow. well aren't you just direct
anaheimFun: lol
Me: well listen sparky, i was just about to log off **a lie of course**
anaheimFun: you could go alot and any girl who marry me would get to go free anaheimFun: do u text
Me: oh my gosh, i'm leaving now. good bye!
anaheimFun: 801-887-6680 **not the actual number**
anaheimFun: i just kidding
anaheimFun: dont leave
Me: gotta run. things to do. bi!
anaheimFun: text me
anaheimFun: please
Me: now you sound desperate. get back to work johnny. bi!
And literally I had to log out within the next 2 seconds so that he wouldn’t keep writing. He’s only 24, but still……24. Wow.
And there is such a thing as overusing the "LOL" abbreviation. Or maybe this kid really does just LOL (that's 'laugh out loud' for you text novices" all the time. Bless his heart...
Online Dating Undercover: Part 4
"Smooth Talking"
Ugh. Please spare me this embarrassing attempt to quickly establish a connection and appear sexy or debonair, or whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish. That’s how LOANPREZ started it. “You have very kissable lips.” Excuse me? Who the heck are you, and how fake that you’d comment on my lips, because they’ve never garnered special attention before. They’re normally sized and not preternaturally plump, so what are you talking about? Do you start all your conversations with strange women like that? Get a life. Those are the guys who are obviously just looking to hook up.
Ugh. Please spare me this embarrassing attempt to quickly establish a connection and appear sexy or debonair, or whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish. That’s how LOANPREZ started it. “You have very kissable lips.” Excuse me? Who the heck are you, and how fake that you’d comment on my lips, because they’ve never garnered special attention before. They’re normally sized and not preternaturally plump, so what are you talking about? Do you start all your conversations with strange women like that? Get a life. Those are the guys who are obviously just looking to hook up.
Online Dating Undercover: Part 3
"Making Contact"
Okay, thus far I haven’t taken any initiative in the browsing department. Literally, I haven’t even done one search to see who’s out there. Let ‘em come to you. That’s my philosophy. Actually, that isn’t even remotely close to my philosophy. I’ve always been a hunter/gatherer. Little role reversal there. I see something I like—I spring into action. Like a graceful, powerful hippo. So, I haven’t done that yet…still hesitant. What if I see someone I like? Then what? I don’t really want to make the first contact. They can do that. Then I’ll decide if I want to respond. Okay, I’m glad I just talked that out…I will not make any preliminary moves. I’ll still let them do the up- front work. Good.
Except that, hold on. Here’s the exceptional to the rule. A guy just ‘viewed’ my profile, but didn’t leave any kind of message. I of course wanted to see who’s looking at me, so I clicked on his profile and guess what? He’s cute and educated and interesting. Hmm…this does change things. He didn’t contact me, but I’d kind of like to get to know him. We’ll give it a few days. See if he checks me out again. Then maybe—maybe—I’ll send him a “flirt”. (Isn’t that the dumbest thing you’ve heard of, by the way? Sending total strangers, adults no less, “flirts” that say things like “I like you” or “You’re cute.”) Gee, Mister, wanna share my lollipop? L-to the–ame.
Oh wow, I just looked at the clock. It’s 1:00 o’clock in the morning? What are all these people doing online? I’m up because, obviously, I’m writing this, but I keep checking in on my site, and without fail, every time I do, it says a few more people have looked at my profile. What are you people doing? Go to bed!
You know, I feel slightly bad when I scroll through the pictures of the guys who have viewed me and I just pass right by them because of their looks. It’s true though, I guess, that despite all the fantastic sweet goodness inside you, the first thing that’s gonna get a dude’s attention is your face (or body), which is why my profile picture has been meticulously photoshopped. Just kidding.
Also, you should know; I’m the queen of double standards. I have every intention of playing these guys if the occasion calls for it…but they sure as heckfire better not try to pull a fast one on me. Or the consequences will be dire.
Okay, thus far I haven’t taken any initiative in the browsing department. Literally, I haven’t even done one search to see who’s out there. Let ‘em come to you. That’s my philosophy. Actually, that isn’t even remotely close to my philosophy. I’ve always been a hunter/gatherer. Little role reversal there. I see something I like—I spring into action. Like a graceful, powerful hippo. So, I haven’t done that yet…still hesitant. What if I see someone I like? Then what? I don’t really want to make the first contact. They can do that. Then I’ll decide if I want to respond. Okay, I’m glad I just talked that out…I will not make any preliminary moves. I’ll still let them do the up- front work. Good.
Except that, hold on. Here’s the exceptional to the rule. A guy just ‘viewed’ my profile, but didn’t leave any kind of message. I of course wanted to see who’s looking at me, so I clicked on his profile and guess what? He’s cute and educated and interesting. Hmm…this does change things. He didn’t contact me, but I’d kind of like to get to know him. We’ll give it a few days. See if he checks me out again. Then maybe—maybe—I’ll send him a “flirt”. (Isn’t that the dumbest thing you’ve heard of, by the way? Sending total strangers, adults no less, “flirts” that say things like “I like you” or “You’re cute.”) Gee, Mister, wanna share my lollipop? L-to the–ame.
Oh wow, I just looked at the clock. It’s 1:00 o’clock in the morning? What are all these people doing online? I’m up because, obviously, I’m writing this, but I keep checking in on my site, and without fail, every time I do, it says a few more people have looked at my profile. What are you people doing? Go to bed!
You know, I feel slightly bad when I scroll through the pictures of the guys who have viewed me and I just pass right by them because of their looks. It’s true though, I guess, that despite all the fantastic sweet goodness inside you, the first thing that’s gonna get a dude’s attention is your face (or body), which is why my profile picture has been meticulously photoshopped. Just kidding.
Also, you should know; I’m the queen of double standards. I have every intention of playing these guys if the occasion calls for it…but they sure as heckfire better not try to pull a fast one on me. Or the consequences will be dire.
Online Dating Undercover: Part 2
"Screen Names"
So when you create a profile you have to invent a unique moniker for yourself, instead of using your real name. Safety first, people. The screen name should indicate something about you in about two words or less. I wonder how long people stew over making these up.
Here are some of the names of guys who have “Viewed” my account (don't worry, I altered these all just slightly so as to preserve privacy):
• DANTHEMAN (Dan, does anyone besides yourself call you ‘the man’? I think not)
• DEVILDOC (I don’t even know what to make of this one. All I can picture is Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors)
• PYROBOY (really? Are you ten? Do you take a magnifying glass out to the playground at recess and try to incinerate ants?
• LOANPREZ (maybe he’s in finance; but is he really a company president?)
• MRRIGHTNOW (seriously?)
• JELLYFISHFUN (now does that really sound like the kind of title a mature man should post? No, it sounds like the title of a children’s cartoon)
• STEELERSFAN (wouldn’t it be funny if he said something like METHFAN?)
• VAUGHNDAVID (unoriginal, and do you really want to put your full name out there? But hey…keep an eye on this one. He’s cute!)
• THESTEVEBOMB (okay, just like Dan the Man up there, don’t call yourself the bomb. That’s an immediate tip off that you have to write things like that to convince yourself that you’re cool. Please don’t).
• SHYGUY (not so original, but it actually makes me immediately go, Aww, cute. Unless he’s a perverted, pathological liar and is only using the shy card to lure unsuspecting, sympathetic girls into his web. I was once lured in by one of these sticky spiders. The whole planetary male race should blame him for 85% of my untrustingness of men.)
• FIREWALKER1 (hmm…firefighter or circus act?)
• BEACHRUNNER (if you weren’t a flabby middle aged man I might believe you)
• LOOKING4UQT (eww)
And the list goes on and on. Don't worry, I'll be sharing more of these later.
So when you create a profile you have to invent a unique moniker for yourself, instead of using your real name. Safety first, people. The screen name should indicate something about you in about two words or less. I wonder how long people stew over making these up.
Here are some of the names of guys who have “Viewed” my account (don't worry, I altered these all just slightly so as to preserve privacy):
• DANTHEMAN (Dan, does anyone besides yourself call you ‘the man’? I think not)
• DEVILDOC (I don’t even know what to make of this one. All I can picture is Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors)
• PYROBOY (really? Are you ten? Do you take a magnifying glass out to the playground at recess and try to incinerate ants?
• LOANPREZ (maybe he’s in finance; but is he really a company president?)
• MRRIGHTNOW (seriously?)
• JELLYFISHFUN (now does that really sound like the kind of title a mature man should post? No, it sounds like the title of a children’s cartoon)
• STEELERSFAN (wouldn’t it be funny if he said something like METHFAN?)
• VAUGHNDAVID (unoriginal, and do you really want to put your full name out there? But hey…keep an eye on this one. He’s cute!)
• THESTEVEBOMB (okay, just like Dan the Man up there, don’t call yourself the bomb. That’s an immediate tip off that you have to write things like that to convince yourself that you’re cool. Please don’t).
• SHYGUY (not so original, but it actually makes me immediately go, Aww, cute. Unless he’s a perverted, pathological liar and is only using the shy card to lure unsuspecting, sympathetic girls into his web. I was once lured in by one of these sticky spiders. The whole planetary male race should blame him for 85% of my untrustingness of men.)
• FIREWALKER1 (hmm…firefighter or circus act?)
• BEACHRUNNER (if you weren’t a flabby middle aged man I might believe you)
• LOOKING4UQT (eww)
And the list goes on and on. Don't worry, I'll be sharing more of these later.
Online Dating Undercover: Part 1
So what kind of people do the online dating thing? That’s what I want to find out. I had one experience with an online dating service a few years ago. It was disastrous. Here’s what happened. My sister was enrolled on a dating website and as she scanned through various profiles, I sat in the back, looking over her shoulder (giving her advice on the losers to avoid and the hotties to pursue). I saw a really cute guy (or he was in the angle the photo was taken from—when I saw him in person I would find someone substantially shorter, less buff, and more cross eyed than I expected) and told her to email him for me. So we started chatting. And then he got really specific.
How much do I weigh? Why do you ask, and you know what?—that’s kind of insulting. You don’t just ask girls that. But he was cute, and I wanted to keep the flirtatious banter going. Oh, I’m such-n-such, I told him; lying by an inordinate amount. Let me see pictures, he says. So I dusted off the old forlorn photo album that holds my “skinny pictures”. All women have one of these. A secret stash of their skinny pictures. Painful reminders of the past, of thinness not appreciated at the time. Thinness not valued for what it would be worth ten years later and just months short of their biological clocks blowing a gasket.
So I posted some of my skinny pictures for this joker. And they were good. You should’ve seen me in them. I was slender, trendy, carefree. Smiling as hugely as the lady in the Orbits gum commercials. Now I never expected to have to own up to the fact that these were a decade old, because this guy lived in a completely different state. He was about a thousand miles away. No pressure. No accountability. No honestly, basically. Then one day I got a phone call. Hey, I’m in town. Let’s me up.
Queue the dreaded funeral march. So I made an excuse. A few weeks later he was back. And he continued to pursue and pursue, until finally, I knew I would have to meet him. Well…he wasn’t what I was expecting and I’m sure I wasn’t what he was so eagerly anticipating. Yet as luck would have it, all he wanted to do was make out, and since you can do that at any weight….all my worry was for nothing, and our magical courtship came and went like that.
Lame.
So, five years later, I’m old. Almost 30. That’s like 65 in Mormon-female years. And I decide out of sheer boredom one night, to try the whole online thing again, because let’s face it, just finding a guy out in the real world isn’t gonna happen. No one dates any more. People hardly make eye contact any more. The only way you’re going to get anonymous male attention is if you go to the mall on a weekend and walk under the second story balcony, where all the high school boys hang out, trying to look down girl’s shirts.
So I went online and created a profile. It’s witty. Charming. Brilliant. All the things that I am. Oh, it also displays my literary prowess. And good grammar. That’s important to me. I look at that. If a guy says he’s in law school and just working “port time” to pay his way through…something isn’t right. I suspect, because I happen to be a very untrusting person, well, maybe not untrusting…skeptical…realistic…suspicious—okay, untrusting, that only about 50% of what people put on their profiles is the truth. Who knows if the photos are even theirs. Who knows?
I think some people really are 100% honest, and bless their hearts. Idiots. You don’t just put your whole real self out there for people to see. First of all, you need to keep a little mystery! If you’re screen name is StillTrying, I think we can be pretty sure that you’re in a sad, lonely state. You didn’t even try to think of something witty and alluring. StillTrying says “I’m desperate and still trying, trying for my life, to find my special woman. I’m not wasting time. Will someone respond to me? Please? Anyone? Hey, I’m still here…Hello?”
Aren’t I horrible? I shouldn’t make fun of these people and yet…I still will.
Anyway, I’ll admit that I’m a very emotionally immature girl when it comes to “relationships”, the dreaded R-word. Do you know I can’t even say the word “date?” Can’t say “boyfriend” either. I once had a guy tell me (after we’d been dating for nearly a year) that he couldn’t call me his “girlfriend” because I was too overweight. Now…I’m not inordinately large. I swear. I’ve got some extra curvaceousness for sure. Not all men can handle it. Obviously he couldn’t. Weiner. But man, was that statement a blow. Sadly, for years now, I’ve completely bristled my little back hairs when people referred to “dating” or “boyfriends/girlfriends”.
Anyway, that was a tangent. So…I’m gonna go online and check this whole scene out. If I take it seriously, what will happen? Can I really open up with someone? What happens then? Do we meet? Do I try and be coy and mysterious? Fortunately I haven’t got the kind of constitution that makes me worry about what guy’s think. I know that I’m amazing, so either they see it or they don’t. But will the whole thing be a waste of time? I’m sarcastic. Very sarcastic. Will they be able to handle that? Probably not. I think I’ve sent plenty of boys home crying. I hope.
What it comes down to is this. I’m not ready to be married. I’m scared. I love my independence. I really love my space. And I really love my apartment, style, music, furniture, cat…all things that would be affected if a man came on the scene. Or would they? Maybe I’ve got it wrong. So I’m going to approach this from an investigatory point of view. What’s the whole process like? Should you try it? What do the screen names mean? That’s one I definitely want to know. You’re only given about 20 characters to come up with something unique and definable, and you better make it good!
So we’ll keep track of these guys’ movements. What do they say when they initially make contact? What do their pictures look like? Can they spell and formulate proper sentences? Why does it seem that they’re on the site? Really looking for love, or just looking for an opportunity to post shirtless pictures of themselves? The classic picture where a guy takes a picture himself standing in front of the bathroom mirror, flexing, is the best. And there are many of these. Classy. Original too.
And yet, why shouldn’t a person try to make themselves attractive on their profiles? Of course, they’re going to do that. I’m such a cynic. I know I posted pictures that I thought were complimentary. Captured my best side. (The one of me lounging by the pool, where armpit chub is squeezing out of my swimsuit didn’t make the cut).
Maybe by the end of my little experiment I will have come to some conclusions. The biggest one will be this: Am I serious about finding someone; or am I the arrogant self-serving single person who’s just putting her pictures up to fish for compliments—only to jerk her line out of the water at the last minute?
How much do I weigh? Why do you ask, and you know what?—that’s kind of insulting. You don’t just ask girls that. But he was cute, and I wanted to keep the flirtatious banter going. Oh, I’m such-n-such, I told him; lying by an inordinate amount. Let me see pictures, he says. So I dusted off the old forlorn photo album that holds my “skinny pictures”. All women have one of these. A secret stash of their skinny pictures. Painful reminders of the past, of thinness not appreciated at the time. Thinness not valued for what it would be worth ten years later and just months short of their biological clocks blowing a gasket.
So I posted some of my skinny pictures for this joker. And they were good. You should’ve seen me in them. I was slender, trendy, carefree. Smiling as hugely as the lady in the Orbits gum commercials. Now I never expected to have to own up to the fact that these were a decade old, because this guy lived in a completely different state. He was about a thousand miles away. No pressure. No accountability. No honestly, basically. Then one day I got a phone call. Hey, I’m in town. Let’s me up.
Queue the dreaded funeral march. So I made an excuse. A few weeks later he was back. And he continued to pursue and pursue, until finally, I knew I would have to meet him. Well…he wasn’t what I was expecting and I’m sure I wasn’t what he was so eagerly anticipating. Yet as luck would have it, all he wanted to do was make out, and since you can do that at any weight….all my worry was for nothing, and our magical courtship came and went like that.
Lame.
So, five years later, I’m old. Almost 30. That’s like 65 in Mormon-female years. And I decide out of sheer boredom one night, to try the whole online thing again, because let’s face it, just finding a guy out in the real world isn’t gonna happen. No one dates any more. People hardly make eye contact any more. The only way you’re going to get anonymous male attention is if you go to the mall on a weekend and walk under the second story balcony, where all the high school boys hang out, trying to look down girl’s shirts.
So I went online and created a profile. It’s witty. Charming. Brilliant. All the things that I am. Oh, it also displays my literary prowess. And good grammar. That’s important to me. I look at that. If a guy says he’s in law school and just working “port time” to pay his way through…something isn’t right. I suspect, because I happen to be a very untrusting person, well, maybe not untrusting…skeptical…realistic…suspicious—okay, untrusting, that only about 50% of what people put on their profiles is the truth. Who knows if the photos are even theirs. Who knows?
I think some people really are 100% honest, and bless their hearts. Idiots. You don’t just put your whole real self out there for people to see. First of all, you need to keep a little mystery! If you’re screen name is StillTrying, I think we can be pretty sure that you’re in a sad, lonely state. You didn’t even try to think of something witty and alluring. StillTrying says “I’m desperate and still trying, trying for my life, to find my special woman. I’m not wasting time. Will someone respond to me? Please? Anyone? Hey, I’m still here…Hello?”
Aren’t I horrible? I shouldn’t make fun of these people and yet…I still will.
Anyway, I’ll admit that I’m a very emotionally immature girl when it comes to “relationships”, the dreaded R-word. Do you know I can’t even say the word “date?” Can’t say “boyfriend” either. I once had a guy tell me (after we’d been dating for nearly a year) that he couldn’t call me his “girlfriend” because I was too overweight. Now…I’m not inordinately large. I swear. I’ve got some extra curvaceousness for sure. Not all men can handle it. Obviously he couldn’t. Weiner. But man, was that statement a blow. Sadly, for years now, I’ve completely bristled my little back hairs when people referred to “dating” or “boyfriends/girlfriends”.
Anyway, that was a tangent. So…I’m gonna go online and check this whole scene out. If I take it seriously, what will happen? Can I really open up with someone? What happens then? Do we meet? Do I try and be coy and mysterious? Fortunately I haven’t got the kind of constitution that makes me worry about what guy’s think. I know that I’m amazing, so either they see it or they don’t. But will the whole thing be a waste of time? I’m sarcastic. Very sarcastic. Will they be able to handle that? Probably not. I think I’ve sent plenty of boys home crying. I hope.
What it comes down to is this. I’m not ready to be married. I’m scared. I love my independence. I really love my space. And I really love my apartment, style, music, furniture, cat…all things that would be affected if a man came on the scene. Or would they? Maybe I’ve got it wrong. So I’m going to approach this from an investigatory point of view. What’s the whole process like? Should you try it? What do the screen names mean? That’s one I definitely want to know. You’re only given about 20 characters to come up with something unique and definable, and you better make it good!
So we’ll keep track of these guys’ movements. What do they say when they initially make contact? What do their pictures look like? Can they spell and formulate proper sentences? Why does it seem that they’re on the site? Really looking for love, or just looking for an opportunity to post shirtless pictures of themselves? The classic picture where a guy takes a picture himself standing in front of the bathroom mirror, flexing, is the best. And there are many of these. Classy. Original too.
And yet, why shouldn’t a person try to make themselves attractive on their profiles? Of course, they’re going to do that. I’m such a cynic. I know I posted pictures that I thought were complimentary. Captured my best side. (The one of me lounging by the pool, where armpit chub is squeezing out of my swimsuit didn’t make the cut).
Maybe by the end of my little experiment I will have come to some conclusions. The biggest one will be this: Am I serious about finding someone; or am I the arrogant self-serving single person who’s just putting her pictures up to fish for compliments—only to jerk her line out of the water at the last minute?
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