Online Dating Undercover: Part 18

Just in case you were wondering if I ended up going out with "Clark" this past weekend...I did not. Clark went out of town to go camping with...wait for it... his sons. Yes. He's divorced and has children. I don't know how I feel about that. Just meaning that, if he and I ever do get serious, do I want to deal with an ex-wife? Wait. Why did I even phrase that as a question? I DON'T want to deal with an ex-wife. The children are a no brainer. I love kids and have no problem with them.

And then there's the whole issue of 'Why did you get divorced in the first place?' They were married in the temple so, hello....we've got a world of ETERNAL ramifications to worry about here. But I'm jumping the gun. Clark and I haven't even met yet. I do believe a date is pending for this weekend. Once I meet him in person I'll know if I want to pursue anything further. And if I do...then the gloves will come off and we'll have a comin'-to-jesus meetin' about all kinds of things. Trust me. :)

Hmm...

So, Clark (name changed for privacy reasons-look how professional I am) has been texting me NONSTOP since he got my phone number. Clark's the one who shaved his head for me. Well, at my insistence--I mean, suggestion! We have yet to meet in person. I mean, sheesh, we just "met" online this past Sunday.

Anyway, one of the things I say on my profile is that I like men to be spontaneous. That's a trait of my dad's that I really love, and I want a guy who is the same in that way. So yesterday Clarky boy texts me out of the blue and says, "I really want to take a roadtrip to California (not with me, I hope). I'm just spontaneous like that." Wah wah.

Is he REALLY spontaneous? Or is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?

If he IS just saying what he thinks I want to hear, should I think that's cute, or should I be annoyed that he's a liar and not being his real self?

Hmph. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

If he wants to be spontaneous he can call me instead of texting!

Sorry married ladies...they're ALLLL mine!

Online Dating Undercover: Part 17

So just when you're really put off by a pervert (named, ironically, Moroni44-Ha!), and thinking of canceling your membership, you meet someone completely opposite, who makes you decide that maybe there are a few decent ones out there. A guy sent me a message (not a flirt! points for him!) on Sunday, and then we've chatted a few times since. Each time, we end up talking for a good long while, 1 hr+ at least. So he's already mentioned wanting to take me on a date. Good for him. He should want to take me out. Does he know who I am?! And get this, he even wants to do something unique. We're gonna go shooting! No, not at pigeons or old people--I assume at a shooting range. Then again, who knows...

Here's the fun part. He's balding. Bless his heart (only 35 years old), so I sent him a little message that said the following: "So, you know, you should really just take the plunge and shave your head completely. Bald guys are hot." Okay, I said this for completely selfish reasons. Of course. I like bald guys. He's already half-way there, and he already has a goatee, so...he just needs to go a little bit further...and then he'll be perfect. :) Anyway, I won. He told me he's shaving it tonight. Muahaha!

He even asked if I want to help. No, silly. I want to see you AFTER. Half bald does nothing for me. I mean, you don't want to see my hairy legs, or help shave them, you want to see them all nice and shiny afterwards. And...with all my trust and aggression issues, doesn't he known how supremely foolish it is to let me close to a man's head with a blade? Come now.

Anyway, if my calculations are correct, I'll probably have a date this weekend. Stay tuned lovely ladies...

Online Dating Undercover: Part 16

Is it wrong if I seek out men in Chicago and Anchorage simply so that they'll fly me up and I can visit my sisters?

Don't answer that.

Online Dating Undercover: Part 15

"For the love"

I’d like to discuss an issue I’m coming up against with this online dating deal. Let’s call it: disproportionate dissemination of affection. Come on, we all dealt with it in high school. How come the boy I like doesn’t like me back?—and the doofus I detest is obsessed with me? Fast forward 10+ years into the era of online dating. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT! The guys who are cute and look interesting don’t message you, and the geeks that you’re completely uninterested in, do! Why is it that the weird ones having no qualms about being direct? Why can’t the hot ones be that way?

Here’s one thing that happens that just makes me groan. I go into my profile to see who’s viewed me. Now when the list of viewers appears, you see a tiny, thumbnail of the guy’s picture and about the first 3 lines of his profile (to lure you in, you know)…so sometimes I’ll click on one because his picture looks either ridiculously hot or ridiculously…well, just ridiculous (as you’ve seen with some of the ones I’ve already posted). And suddenly I’ll see a message in my inbox from one of the mulleted misfits saying, “Hey, I saw that you looked at my profile…” ugh. No, I wasn’t looking at you because I’m interested; I was looking because I wanted to put your picture on public display to be mocked. I know. I’m so heartless. Whatever. You gotta be in the online dating business. Disproportionate dissemination of affection.

More Screen Names!

THECHARMER (of snakes?)
BADDOGGY (so...should I bring a sanitary disposal bag?)
TASER58 (58 men died in prison after making eye contact with “Taser”)
THEGORILLA (I hate to tell you this, but I can’t think of one single adjective that reflects Gorillas in a positive—let alone attractive--light)
IMTHEONE (You’re the one, what? In the middle? In the argyle pantsuit? What?)
MOONDOGGIE (For real?! Well wrap me in seaweed and serenade me while you do CPR)
DARTHLARRY (Star Wars references…highly inadvisable)
WHYAREMYEYESBROWN (I don’t know, and coincidentally, I don’t care)
BELLTRON (Wasn’t he the bad guy in Toy Story?)
UPLUSME (equals….)
33VI (I think it’s some kind of reference to his bicep measurements)
TURBO87 (I’m sure he’s referring to his motorcycle or something, but what if it’s because he has massively bad gas?)
THEONE4U (minus points for creativity and minus points for accuracy)
DODGE2003 (he must really love that car)
ROUGHEDGES (aww…I’d think it was cute if it wasn’t so lame)
XERO (I’m assuming his computer hacker name?)
DRIVER8 (does he have 8 children to drive to daycare?)
SUTHERNGUY (did you mean to spell it wrong?)
FAN2SEA (no fantasy of mine, buddy)
DEREKKK (Why? Why? Why? Would you end it in KKK?)
PICKY (well what a coincidence…)


p.s. A guy just sent me a message and used the word “gregarious”. I think I’m in love.