Sorry married ladies...they're ALLLL mine!

Online Dating Undercover: Part 17

So just when you're really put off by a pervert (named, ironically, Moroni44-Ha!), and thinking of canceling your membership, you meet someone completely opposite, who makes you decide that maybe there are a few decent ones out there. A guy sent me a message (not a flirt! points for him!) on Sunday, and then we've chatted a few times since. Each time, we end up talking for a good long while, 1 hr+ at least. So he's already mentioned wanting to take me on a date. Good for him. He should want to take me out. Does he know who I am?! And get this, he even wants to do something unique. We're gonna go shooting! No, not at pigeons or old people--I assume at a shooting range. Then again, who knows...

Here's the fun part. He's balding. Bless his heart (only 35 years old), so I sent him a little message that said the following: "So, you know, you should really just take the plunge and shave your head completely. Bald guys are hot." Okay, I said this for completely selfish reasons. Of course. I like bald guys. He's already half-way there, and he already has a goatee, so...he just needs to go a little bit further...and then he'll be perfect. :) Anyway, I won. He told me he's shaving it tonight. Muahaha!

He even asked if I want to help. No, silly. I want to see you AFTER. Half bald does nothing for me. I mean, you don't want to see my hairy legs, or help shave them, you want to see them all nice and shiny afterwards. And...with all my trust and aggression issues, doesn't he known how supremely foolish it is to let me close to a man's head with a blade? Come now.

Anyway, if my calculations are correct, I'll probably have a date this weekend. Stay tuned lovely ladies...

Online Dating Undercover: Part 16

Is it wrong if I seek out men in Chicago and Anchorage simply so that they'll fly me up and I can visit my sisters?

Don't answer that.

Online Dating Undercover: Part 15

"For the love"

I’d like to discuss an issue I’m coming up against with this online dating deal. Let’s call it: disproportionate dissemination of affection. Come on, we all dealt with it in high school. How come the boy I like doesn’t like me back?—and the doofus I detest is obsessed with me? Fast forward 10+ years into the era of online dating. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT! The guys who are cute and look interesting don’t message you, and the geeks that you’re completely uninterested in, do! Why is it that the weird ones having no qualms about being direct? Why can’t the hot ones be that way?

Here’s one thing that happens that just makes me groan. I go into my profile to see who’s viewed me. Now when the list of viewers appears, you see a tiny, thumbnail of the guy’s picture and about the first 3 lines of his profile (to lure you in, you know)…so sometimes I’ll click on one because his picture looks either ridiculously hot or ridiculously…well, just ridiculous (as you’ve seen with some of the ones I’ve already posted). And suddenly I’ll see a message in my inbox from one of the mulleted misfits saying, “Hey, I saw that you looked at my profile…” ugh. No, I wasn’t looking at you because I’m interested; I was looking because I wanted to put your picture on public display to be mocked. I know. I’m so heartless. Whatever. You gotta be in the online dating business. Disproportionate dissemination of affection.

More Screen Names!

THECHARMER (of snakes?)
BADDOGGY (so...should I bring a sanitary disposal bag?)
TASER58 (58 men died in prison after making eye contact with “Taser”)
THEGORILLA (I hate to tell you this, but I can’t think of one single adjective that reflects Gorillas in a positive—let alone attractive--light)
IMTHEONE (You’re the one, what? In the middle? In the argyle pantsuit? What?)
MOONDOGGIE (For real?! Well wrap me in seaweed and serenade me while you do CPR)
DARTHLARRY (Star Wars references…highly inadvisable)
WHYAREMYEYESBROWN (I don’t know, and coincidentally, I don’t care)
BELLTRON (Wasn’t he the bad guy in Toy Story?)
UPLUSME (equals….)
33VI (I think it’s some kind of reference to his bicep measurements)
TURBO87 (I’m sure he’s referring to his motorcycle or something, but what if it’s because he has massively bad gas?)
THEONE4U (minus points for creativity and minus points for accuracy)
DODGE2003 (he must really love that car)
ROUGHEDGES (aww…I’d think it was cute if it wasn’t so lame)
XERO (I’m assuming his computer hacker name?)
DRIVER8 (does he have 8 children to drive to daycare?)
SUTHERNGUY (did you mean to spell it wrong?)
FAN2SEA (no fantasy of mine, buddy)
DEREKKK (Why? Why? Why? Would you end it in KKK?)
PICKY (well what a coincidence…)


p.s. A guy just sent me a message and used the word “gregarious”. I think I’m in love.

First Date...

So... I had my first in-person date. Surprisingly, it wasn't a total fiasco! Trust me, none could be more shocked than I. We met at Chili's (Maddie, was that you peaking through the window?) and were there for about 2 1/2 hours. The conversation flowed veritably naturally--thanks to my exceptional skills in the art of gab. There was quite a bit of prompting on my part, but he didn't break down and cry or anything.

As the evening went on, I think more and more of my personality came out. He seemed shocked a few times. Like when I told him that I choose, with scrupulous detail, who I want to be friends with, and that I literally got rid of my Facebook & Myspace accounts because people from my past were finding me, who I'd lost contact with ON PURPOSE. It's true. We weren't friends back then and we aren't friends now. Anyway! He was very logical, where I am very fanciful.

Case in point: On my mission, me and one of my comps would ask each other a "deep question" every night (oh yes, Marianne, I pulled this on him)...and here is how the questions/answers went:

The question: If you could have a super power, what would it be?
ME: The ability to become invisible--basically so that I can spy on people
HIM: Limitless knowledge

The question: If you could either fly or walk on water, which would you choose?
ME: Fly!
HIM: Well, it would depend on where I lived. See, if I lived in California, I'd want to walk on water. Since I live in Arizona where we're landlocked, I'd want to fly.

The question: Do you have any regrets in life? Or, if you could go back in time and change any one decision that you made, would you?

ME: Uh...yah. I can think of about 15.

HIM: No (and he was completely serious)

Anyway. That's just a sampling. He was older and balder and "heftier" than his pictures...so that was a little off-putting; and he kind of had an old man, high voice, and one of his eyes actually twitched.......but bless his heart, he was nice, and I genuinely laughed a few times.

My dreamboat? Heck--to the No. But for my first date in about 3-4 years...it could've been much worse. :)

The goodness just keeps coming