Online Dating Undercover: Part 12

Would you like to hear something amazing?! My whole dubious view on the efficacy of these dating sites has been challenged. I just talked to an old friend who was recently married. Low-and-behold, she met her man online! A good LDS guy, in another state, and it all worked out. Huh. So maybe these things do work...

More glamour shots...

Online Dating Undercover: Part 11

"A Delicious Opportunity"

Woow! I almost got busted. I was in the middle of writing some stuff down for this blog when a guy opened a chat window with me. This is only the first part of the conversation, but you’ll see what I mean. (And again…good grammar…correct spelling…is that so much to ask for?!!)

provo007: hi
provo007: cute pics
Me : thanks!
provo007: what are you up to tongiht?
Me : writing. working on my blog
provo007: oh fun
provo007: just your personal blog?
Me : no, I have one that's written for lds women...kind of funny anecdotes given from my very cynical, sarcastic point of view :)
Me : what are YOU up to?
provo007: watching the news...lol **why is that funny?**
provo007: ok..whats the link to yoru blog..would be fun to see
Me : oh no! women only.
provo007: lol..ok

Muahaha!

Ooooh, this is exciting—I’m IM’ing 2 guys right now! This should be fun. One is a guy that I’ve talked with before and the other one is a marine in Utah. Oh my gosh, I’m getting so tired of seeing “LOL”. Wait! There’s a 3rd guy! Hahahahahaha! This’ll be good. Oh man, I’m totally going to mess this up and send the wrong message to one of them.

Oh! What fun! An hour later, I’ve finished my chatting sessions with all 3 men, after having come up with some erroneous excuse for logging off. I don’t know. After a while I just get bored. This one guy only gives one sentence answers, to everything, but…he asked me out. So: two weeks in and I’ve got my first date. What a delicious opportunity to gather more dirt for my undercover shenanigans!

Online Dating Undercover: Part 10

"Laziness"

I figured something out; I’ve been perplexed by the fact that so many of these dudes write next to nothing on their profiles. The site gives you 3 little questions that are meant to prompt you into writing something about yourself:

1) A Little About Me
2) How I Feel About The Church
3) What I Do For Fun

But instead of answering these short questions, most of these guys just put, “Send me a message and I’ll tell you”…as if that’s supposed to inspire me to want to delve into the deepest, most poignant parts of their soul. What on earth is my incentive to send you a message? Who do you think you are? Really. And then lots of them don’t post a picture. So what I figured out was this, and it should’ve occurred to me sooner—those are the dudes who just want to browse. You have to create a profile in order to view all the chics on the site, so they just do the bare minimum in the sign-up process.

Sneaky. Anyway…I don’t like it when these lazy guys send me messages or keep looking at me. You can see how many times a certain person looks at you. A little weird. And it’s also a pain, because what if there’s a hottie, whose pictures I want to keep looking at?! I don’t want him knowing that I look at his profile every other day. Because, after all, I am supposed to be aloof and uninterested.

Something else: It makes me a little leery when guys who don’t have a picture or any information keep looking at my profile. They might as well just put the screen name “Creep”, because I’m afraid that’s all I perceive them as. Anyway, I’m online right now and can see that some of the creeps who are always looking at me are currently logged into the site. Shudder. When one of them tries to contact me, I log off immediately. Typically, I only log on to my profile long enough to see how many people have viewed me or to read any messages, and then I’m outta there! I don’t want to risk giving some guy the opportunity to open up a chat window with me.

AHH! Speaking of which…somebody’s trying to open a chat window. Queue the Jaws theme song. Oh man. Who is it? Should I open it? Eek! I’m looking at the guys that are online right now and who have viewed me lately, and if it’s one of them…not interested. Hmm...what to do?

Online Dating Undercover: Part 9

More Screen Names

METROHOMEBOY (is it just me, or does that sound less than masculine?)
WHYYES (I feel like in his picture this guy should be lounging by the pool, holding out a glass of champagne)
LOVE2DANCE (but are you any good?)
MRSOPHISTICATED (maybe that’s actually his last name)
EO45 (is that his robot serial number?)
SOULMATE4U (a little presumptuous, don’t you think?)
WARHAMMER (I wonder if his cape matches his tights)
AQUACLEAN (well at least he’ll have minty fresh breath)
45AVAILABLE (yah, but you don’t need to advertise it)
PSEUDOHUNK (at least he knows the word ‘pseudo’)
20MORONI (if he looks anything like Moroni it’s a done deal)
PURPOSEOFLIFE (I’m listening…give me your take on it…)
FUNLDSBACHELOR (-2 pts for creativity)
POORBOY (seriously?)
SOULTOSQUEEZE (just lame)

Cheese!

So...I'd like to present a random sampling of some of the guys on this dating site. If you've never been on one of these sites, you probably have no idea of the range of specimens you get. These men I'm showing have all either viewed my profile or sent me little messages. Now, if you think I'm being mean in showing their faces and writing my typical sarcastic commentary....tough. Leave this blog now! They're the ones who put their pictures and stats out there for all the world to see. For the stout-hearted ones among you, however...enjoy what I've been seeing for the past two weeks.

Onling Dating Undercover: Part 8

“Chicken”

Okay, so it’s been a week since I decided to take the initiative and start sending flirts and messages to dudes. I sat down on the floor and scrolled through about 500 profiles (yes, it took a while and I consumed buckets of Mountain Dew) and just started pushing buttons. I only contacted about 2 dozen guys. Still, they should count themselves lucky.

A few of them only got a lame flirt. Typically I used “I like your profile”. I can’t bring myself to use “You’re cute” or “I like you” yet because I feel like I might as well just fold up a little note and pass it to them on the playground. You know what—maybe I should draw some boxes on the page too and say, “Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe…” You all did it, you know you did.

For the most part though, I wrote a little message to the guys that peaked my interest, drawing from some info in their profile. Nothing deep or revelatory, just something un-generic.

But…I’m noticing that there isn’t a lot of give and take in this online dating world. These guys are such chickens! Hardly any of them venture to say something original, they all just use flirts. Flirts are like the easiest way out ever! It’s such a lame cop out! What—you send me a flirt that says “I’m Interested In You” (this one drives me crazy. WHAT ABOUT ME interests you?), and they think that’s like a big step, and that by sending that one little phrase, the ball is now in your court. I don’t think so.

I think I’ve maybe come across four guys that I had back-and-forth conversations with. However, as soon as they bring up the below questions, I’m bored and done with them… “What kind of guy are you looking for? How long have you been on the site?” -and- “Why are you single?” Could there be a more offensive question than that? Um…because I’m old; I’m fat; I’m allergic to relationships; I’m from another planet and have 14 noses… Asking you why you’re still single is like asking an interviewee what their worst quality is. Gag.

Anyway…you’d like to hear some of these conversations, wouldn’t you? Well I shan’t disappoint. Oh, you’re also going to get more screen names…AND...pictures!!! oh yes. Don’t worry, I’ll do it just like they do in Glamour Magazine’s “Do’s and Don’ts” section—I’ll put big black bars over the guys’ eyes and then they’ll be completely unidentifiable. Oh, what fun!