Online Dating Undercover: Part 13

"ANNOYED"
(my most passionate work yet...)

Okay, let me tell you something. And men of the world--listen up. I am not one to be dismissed/brushed off/or trifled with. Do you know who I am?! I am Laura! Hear me roar! And then see me tackle you! I am getting just a tad bit ticked off at the fellas online.

If I go out of my way to send you a little message (which it will be --a bona fide message, maybe just short, but NOT A FLIRT), and I send you one of these, you darn well better respond. Even if you don't like what you see, or you're intimidated, or whatever---it's only common courtesy to respond. If a dude who's 65 with granddaughters my age sends me a message (not a flirt) telling me he's interested in me, I at least take the time to kindly tell him that he's not on my radar. But I don't just throw his message in the recycle bin. He took the time to actually write a message. He should be rewarded for that! See? See what a generous, kindly heart I have? Call me the patron saint of pathetic men, and the avenger of jerky idiots.

Case in point: A man that I've kind of chatted with consistently since I got on here asked me out last week. At the very end of our conversation, as I was saying Adios, he throws in, "Would you like to have dinner sometime?" I said, "Sure! Let me give you my information," and he said he'd call. So....it's been a week now. 7 days. Um...hello? You don't just throw out an open ended invitation like that and then disappear.

So I just sent him this message (with the subject line: "Ahem")
"Hey there. So...when you asked me if I'd like to have dinner...did you mean TOGETHER? because yes, i'd like to have dinner. in fact, I have dinner every night. :) i assume you were asking me out? nerd! where'd you go?" I refrained myself from writing "chicken" at the end of it. I was nice and playful, but hope I got my point across.

Not one to be trifled with boys! Good thing I'm more interested in exploiting this cyber dating world than being on here for the sole purpose of finding my mate (which, who knows?--may happen), but I hope the girls who are really truly investing themselves in this aren't getting the same treatment. What am I talking about? Of course they are. Tut tut. -10 points for the "do you wanna have dinner" boy.

There. I got it out of my system. Stay tuned...

Online Dating Undercover: Part 12

Would you like to hear something amazing?! My whole dubious view on the efficacy of these dating sites has been challenged. I just talked to an old friend who was recently married. Low-and-behold, she met her man online! A good LDS guy, in another state, and it all worked out. Huh. So maybe these things do work...

More glamour shots...

Online Dating Undercover: Part 11

"A Delicious Opportunity"

Woow! I almost got busted. I was in the middle of writing some stuff down for this blog when a guy opened a chat window with me. This is only the first part of the conversation, but you’ll see what I mean. (And again…good grammar…correct spelling…is that so much to ask for?!!)

provo007: hi
provo007: cute pics
Me : thanks!
provo007: what are you up to tongiht?
Me : writing. working on my blog
provo007: oh fun
provo007: just your personal blog?
Me : no, I have one that's written for lds women...kind of funny anecdotes given from my very cynical, sarcastic point of view :)
Me : what are YOU up to?
provo007: watching the news...lol **why is that funny?**
provo007: ok..whats the link to yoru blog..would be fun to see
Me : oh no! women only.
provo007: lol..ok

Muahaha!

Ooooh, this is exciting—I’m IM’ing 2 guys right now! This should be fun. One is a guy that I’ve talked with before and the other one is a marine in Utah. Oh my gosh, I’m getting so tired of seeing “LOL”. Wait! There’s a 3rd guy! Hahahahahaha! This’ll be good. Oh man, I’m totally going to mess this up and send the wrong message to one of them.

Oh! What fun! An hour later, I’ve finished my chatting sessions with all 3 men, after having come up with some erroneous excuse for logging off. I don’t know. After a while I just get bored. This one guy only gives one sentence answers, to everything, but…he asked me out. So: two weeks in and I’ve got my first date. What a delicious opportunity to gather more dirt for my undercover shenanigans!

Online Dating Undercover: Part 10

"Laziness"

I figured something out; I’ve been perplexed by the fact that so many of these dudes write next to nothing on their profiles. The site gives you 3 little questions that are meant to prompt you into writing something about yourself:

1) A Little About Me
2) How I Feel About The Church
3) What I Do For Fun

But instead of answering these short questions, most of these guys just put, “Send me a message and I’ll tell you”…as if that’s supposed to inspire me to want to delve into the deepest, most poignant parts of their soul. What on earth is my incentive to send you a message? Who do you think you are? Really. And then lots of them don’t post a picture. So what I figured out was this, and it should’ve occurred to me sooner—those are the dudes who just want to browse. You have to create a profile in order to view all the chics on the site, so they just do the bare minimum in the sign-up process.

Sneaky. Anyway…I don’t like it when these lazy guys send me messages or keep looking at me. You can see how many times a certain person looks at you. A little weird. And it’s also a pain, because what if there’s a hottie, whose pictures I want to keep looking at?! I don’t want him knowing that I look at his profile every other day. Because, after all, I am supposed to be aloof and uninterested.

Something else: It makes me a little leery when guys who don’t have a picture or any information keep looking at my profile. They might as well just put the screen name “Creep”, because I’m afraid that’s all I perceive them as. Anyway, I’m online right now and can see that some of the creeps who are always looking at me are currently logged into the site. Shudder. When one of them tries to contact me, I log off immediately. Typically, I only log on to my profile long enough to see how many people have viewed me or to read any messages, and then I’m outta there! I don’t want to risk giving some guy the opportunity to open up a chat window with me.

AHH! Speaking of which…somebody’s trying to open a chat window. Queue the Jaws theme song. Oh man. Who is it? Should I open it? Eek! I’m looking at the guys that are online right now and who have viewed me lately, and if it’s one of them…not interested. Hmm...what to do?

Online Dating Undercover: Part 9

More Screen Names

METROHOMEBOY (is it just me, or does that sound less than masculine?)
WHYYES (I feel like in his picture this guy should be lounging by the pool, holding out a glass of champagne)
LOVE2DANCE (but are you any good?)
MRSOPHISTICATED (maybe that’s actually his last name)
EO45 (is that his robot serial number?)
SOULMATE4U (a little presumptuous, don’t you think?)
WARHAMMER (I wonder if his cape matches his tights)
AQUACLEAN (well at least he’ll have minty fresh breath)
45AVAILABLE (yah, but you don’t need to advertise it)
PSEUDOHUNK (at least he knows the word ‘pseudo’)
20MORONI (if he looks anything like Moroni it’s a done deal)
PURPOSEOFLIFE (I’m listening…give me your take on it…)
FUNLDSBACHELOR (-2 pts for creativity)
POORBOY (seriously?)
SOULTOSQUEEZE (just lame)

Cheese!

So...I'd like to present a random sampling of some of the guys on this dating site. If you've never been on one of these sites, you probably have no idea of the range of specimens you get. These men I'm showing have all either viewed my profile or sent me little messages. Now, if you think I'm being mean in showing their faces and writing my typical sarcastic commentary....tough. Leave this blog now! They're the ones who put their pictures and stats out there for all the world to see. For the stout-hearted ones among you, however...enjoy what I've been seeing for the past two weeks.